A review from someone who tried every consequence in the book—and discovered the problem was never about motivation
You’ve tried everything.
Time-outs. Taking away privileges. Reward charts. Counting to three. Natural consequences. Logical consequences. Firm boundaries. Gentle redirection. Raising your voice. Lowering your voice. Ignoring the behavior. Addressing the behavior immediately.
Nothing works. Or it works once and never again. Or it makes things worse.
Your child still explodes. The meltdowns still happen. The defiance, the rigidity, the complete inability to handle even minor frustrations—it’s all still there. And you’re exhausted, confused, and starting to wonder if something is fundamentally wrong with your child. Or with you.
Here’s the thing nobody told you: the problem isn’t motivation.
Your child isn’t exploding because they don’t care about consequences. They’re not melting down because you haven’t found the right reward. They’re not being defiant because they need firmer limits.
They’re exploding because they can’t handle the demands being placed on them—and they lack the skills to respond any other way.
Dr. Ross W. Greene’s The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children changed how thousands of parents understand their most challenging children. It offers a completely different explanation for explosive behavior—and a completely different solution.
If traditional parenting has failed you and your child, this might be the book that finally makes sense of everything. Let’s find out.
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What Is This Book? 🤔
The Explosive Child presents Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model for understanding and helping children who are easily frustrated, chronically inflexible, and prone to explosive outbursts. Now in its sixth edition, it has become the definitive guide for parents of behaviorally challenging children.
The format:
- Explanation of why explosive children explode
- Introduction to lagging skills and unsolved problems
- Detailed methodology for collaborative problem-solving
- Extensive case examples and dialogues
- Troubleshooting common challenges
- Application across different settings
The core revelation:
Traditional approaches assume challenging behavior is about motivation—kids misbehave because they’ve learned it works, because they want attention, because consequences aren’t severe enough.
Greene argues the opposite: kids do well if they can. Explosive children aren’t choosing to explode. They’re lacking the skills to handle certain demands—and when demands exceed skills, explosion is the result.
The coverage:
- Why traditional discipline fails explosive children
- The skill deficits behind explosive behavior
- Identifying your child’s specific lagging skills
- Understanding unsolved problems vs. lagging skills
- The three options for handling problems (Plan A, B, C)
- Plan B (Collaborative & Proactive Solutions) in depth
- What to do during an explosion
- Working with schools and other caregivers
- When professional help is needed
The key insight:
Explosive behavior is no different than any other learning disability. Some kids struggle with reading. Some struggle with math. Explosive children struggle with flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving. The solution isn’t punishment—it’s skill-building.
It’s the explanation that finally makes sense. 📖
The Good Stuff ✅
“Kids Do Well If They Can” Changes Everything
The foundational reframe:
The conventional belief:
Kids do well if they want to. If a child is behaving badly, they’re choosing to behave badly. The solution is to make them want to behave well—through rewards, consequences, or both.
Greene’s alternative:
Kids do well if they can. If a child is behaving badly, something is getting in the way. The solution is to figure out what’s getting in the way and address it.
The implication:
Your child isn’t giving you a hard time. Your child is HAVING a hard time.
The compassion shift:
When you believe your child can’t rather than won’t, your entire emotional response changes. Frustration becomes empathy. Anger becomes curiosity. “Why won’t you just…” becomes “What’s making this so hard?”
The practical difference:
If behavior is about motivation, you manipulate motivation (rewards and punishments). If behavior is about skill, you build skill (teaching and problem-solving).
The relief:
For parents who have blamed themselves or their child, this reframe offers profound relief. It’s not a character flaw. It’s a skill deficit. Skill deficits can be addressed.
Paradigm-shifting insight. 🎯
Lagging Skills Explain the “Why”
Understanding what’s actually missing:
The categories:
Greene identifies specific cognitive skills that explosive children often lack:
- Flexibility/adaptability: Difficulty adjusting to changes, transitions, or unmet expectations
- Frustration tolerance: Easily overwhelmed by challenging situations
- Problem-solving: Trouble thinking through solutions when stuck
- Emotional regulation: Difficulty managing and expressing emotions appropriately
- Seeing the big picture: Getting stuck on details, missing context
- Shifting cognitive set: Trouble moving from one mindset to another
- Considering multiple perspectives: Difficulty understanding others’ viewpoints
- Communicating needs: Struggling to articulate what’s wrong
- Managing time: Poor sense of time, difficulty with transitions
- Handling unpredictability: Needing things to go as expected
The specificity:
Not all explosive children lack the same skills. Identifying YOUR child’s specific lagging skills allows targeted intervention.
The normalization:
These aren’t character flaws or moral failings. They’re developmental skills that some children acquire more slowly.
The explanation:
When you know your child struggles with transitions, the morning meltdowns make sense. When you know they can’t handle unpredictability, the vacation disaster makes sense.
The direction:
Lagging skills tell you what to work on—not through lectures but through practice in real situations.
Specific, actionable understanding. ✨
Unsolved Problems Are the Targets
Where to focus your efforts:
The distinction:
Lagging skills are WHY your child explodes. Unsolved problems are WHEN and WHERE.
The definition:
An unsolved problem is a specific expectation your child is having difficulty meeting consistently.
The format:
“Difficulty [meeting expectation] [in specific situation]”
Examples:
- Difficulty getting ready for school in the morning
- Difficulty accepting “no” when asking for screen time
- Difficulty transitioning from preferred activities
- Difficulty completing homework without conflict
- Difficulty sharing toys with siblings
The specificity matters:
“Difficulty with anger” is too vague. “Difficulty when asked to stop playing video games” is actionable.
The inventory:
Greene encourages creating a comprehensive list of your child’s unsolved problems. This becomes your working agenda.
The prioritization:
You can’t solve everything at once. Pick the most important unsolved problems to address first.
The clarity:
Instead of “my child has behavior problems,” you have “my child has these 12 specific unsolved problems.” That’s workable.
Clear targets for intervention. 💪
The Three Plans Provide Structure
Options for every expectation:
Plan A: Impose Your Will
You insist. The child must comply. Traditional parenting.
When it’s appropriate: Safety issues. Non-negotiable boundaries. Rare emergencies.
The problem: With explosive children, Plan A often triggers explosions. You might get compliance eventually, but at enormous cost.
The trap: Many parents use Plan A constantly and wonder why their child keeps exploding.
Plan B: Collaborative & Proactive Solutions
You and your child solve the problem together. Both concerns addressed.
When it’s appropriate: The vast majority of unsolved problems.
The process: Three steps (Empathy, Define Adult Concerns, Invitation).
The outcome: Durable solutions, built skills, preserved relationship.
Plan C: Drop the Expectation
You let this one go—for now. Strategic withdrawal.
When it’s appropriate: Lower-priority issues. When you’re overwhelmed. When you need to reduce explosions while working on bigger problems.
The misunderstanding: This isn’t giving in. It’s strategic prioritization. You’re choosing your battles wisely.
The distribution:
Many parents need to move most expectations from Plan A to either Plan B or Plan C. This alone dramatically reduces explosions.
Clear framework for decisions. 🌟
Plan B Is Thoroughly Detailed
The collaborative problem-solving process:
Step 1: The Empathy Step
Gather information about your child’s concern or perspective regarding the unsolved problem.
The opener:
“I’ve noticed that [describe the unsolved problem—difficulty meeting a specific expectation]. What’s up?”
The goal:
Understanding, not agreement. You want to know your child’s concern.
The skills:
- Reflective listening (“So you’re saying…”)
- Clarifying (“Can you say more about that?”)
- Drilling down (“I don’t quite understand yet…”)
- Avoiding judgment, advice, or solutions
The patience:
This step takes longest. Don’t rush it. Understanding is the foundation.
Step 2: Define the Adult Concerns
Share your concern about the same unsolved problem.
The format:
“The thing is…” or “My concern is…”
The brevity:
One or two sentences. This isn’t a lecture.
The legitimacy:
Your concerns matter too. This isn’t permissive parenting.
Step 3: The Invitation
Brainstorm solutions together.
The opener:
“I wonder if there’s a way we can [address both concerns]. Do you have any ideas?”
The collaboration:
Work together. Evaluate ideas. Find something both can live with.
The criteria:
A good solution is realistic and mutually satisfactory.
The revision:
If a solution doesn’t work, you revisit and try again.
Complete methodology provided. 🛡️
The Proactive Emphasis Is Crucial
Before the explosion, not during:
The mistake:
Many parents try to problem-solve during or immediately after an explosion. This doesn’t work. Your child can’t think clearly when dysregulated.
The solution:
Plan B happens proactively—when everyone is calm, before the problematic situation occurs.
The timing:
“Hey, I wanted to talk about mornings. I’ve noticed we’ve been having a hard time. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
The identification:
You know which situations trigger explosions. Those are your unsolved problems. Address them proactively.
The prevention:
Solving problems before they happen prevents explosions rather than just responding to them.
The shift:
You’re not putting out fires. You’re preventing them.
Proactive beats reactive. 📝
The Case Examples Are Extensive and Real
What this actually looks like:
The format:
Greene includes lengthy case studies showing families working through the CPS process.
The realism:
Kids in the examples don’t cooperate perfectly. They resist, give unhelpful answers, propose unrealistic solutions. Greene shows how to handle all of it.
The dialogue:
Extensive word-for-word examples of Plan B conversations.
The troubleshooting:
When kids say “I don’t know,” when they shut down, when they blame others, when they propose “you give me what I want” as the solution—all addressed.
The variety:
Different ages, different lagging skills, different unsolved problems. You’ll find something that resonates with your situation.
The learning:
Reading multiple examples helps internalize the rhythm and language of collaborative problem-solving.
Realistic, practical guidance. 🧠
It Addresses the “Real World” Objection
“But the world won’t accommodate them”:
The concern:
Many parents worry that collaboration teaches kids the world will always bend to their needs. It won’t. Don’t they need to learn to comply?
Greene’s response:
The goal isn’t to accommodate indefinitely. It’s to build skills. As skills develop, children become more capable of handling demands.
The comparison:
You wouldn’t refuse to help a struggling reader because “the world won’t accommodate them.” You’d teach reading. Same principle.
The skills transfer:
Children who learn collaborative problem-solving with parents can eventually apply those skills independently.
The timeline:
This isn’t forever. This is skill-building that creates capable humans.
Real-world concerns addressed. 🌟
The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬
It Requires Major Parental Change
You have to transform, not just tweak:
The challenge:
Greene isn’t offering techniques to add to your existing approach. He’s asking you to fundamentally change how you think about your child and how you parent.
The resistance:
“I shouldn’t have to negotiate with my child.” “Kids need to learn to do what they’re told.” “I’m the parent.”
The discomfort:
If you were raised with traditional discipline, this feels wrong. It feels like giving in. It feels like your child is winning.
The unlearning:
You have to unlearn patterns you’ve practiced for years. This is hard.
The emotional work:
Moving from “my child is manipulating me” to “my child is struggling” requires real emotional processing.
The reality:
Many parents intellectually accept Greene’s ideas but struggle to implement them when frustrated.
Significant parental change required. 😬
Plan B Takes Time and Energy
Not a quick fix:
The process:
Each Plan B conversation requires:
- Identifying the unsolved problem specifically
- Finding a calm time to talk
- Working through all three steps without rushing
- Following up on whether solutions work
- Revising when they don’t
The exhaustion factor:
Parents of explosive children are already exhausted. Adding lengthy problem-solving conversations feels overwhelming.
The multiple problems:
Most explosive children have many unsolved problems. You can’t Plan B all of them at once.
The patience required:
Results aren’t immediate. Skill-building is gradual. You might not see improvement for weeks or months.
The investment:
This is front-loaded work. It gets easier over time, but the beginning is hard.
Time and energy intensive. 🚩
During-Explosion Guidance Is Limited
What about when they’re already melting down?
The focus:
Greene emphasizes proactive problem-solving. Plan B happens before explosions, not during.
The gap:
But what do you actually DO when your child is in full meltdown mode? The book provides less guidance here.
The answer:
Basically: keep everyone safe, don’t try to teach or problem-solve, wait for calm, address proactively later.
The frustration:
Parents in crisis want to know how to handle THIS meltdown. “Wait for calm” feels inadequate.
The reality:
There isn’t a magic technique for stopping an explosion in progress. But parents wish there were.
Limited crisis intervention guidance. 😬
Partner and Extended Family Alignment
When adults disagree:
The challenge:
CPS works best when all caregivers are aligned. But partners, grandparents, and other caregivers may not agree.
The resistance:
“You’re coddling him.” “She just needs firmer discipline.” “We never did this when you were growing up.”
The conflict:
Parenting disagreements become relationship conflicts.
The inconsistency:
Kids experience different approaches from different adults, creating confusion.
The gap:
Greene could provide more guidance on navigating fundamental disagreements between caregivers.
Alignment with other adults challenging. 😬
School Application Is Difficult
The institutional challenge:
The reality:
Most schools use Plan A—rules, expectations, consequences for violations.
The explosive child at school:
May face detention, suspension, expulsion. May be labeled as defiant or oppositional.
The mismatch:
Parent uses CPS at home; school uses traditional discipline. Child experiences inconsistency.
The advocacy required:
Parents often need to advocate for different approaches at school—often unsuccessfully.
The recommendation:
Greene has a separate book for schools (Lost at School), but this book could better address the home-school coordination challenge.
School implementation difficult. 📉
Some Children Need More Than CPS
When the book isn’t enough:
The limitations:
CPS is a powerful approach, but some children need additional interventions:
- Medication for underlying conditions
- Therapy for trauma or anxiety
- Specialized interventions for autism or ADHD
- Family therapy for systemic issues
The gap:
The book could more clearly delineate when CPS alone is insufficient.
The delay risk:
Parents might try CPS for too long before seeking additional help.
The complement:
CPS often works best alongside other interventions, not instead of them.
Additional interventions sometimes needed. 😬
The Writing Can Be Dense
Not always an easy read:
The style:
Greene writes like an academic. The explanations are thorough but sometimes repetitive.
The length:
Key concepts get explained multiple times. Some readers find this helpful; others find it tedious.
The pacing:
The early chapters explaining the philosophy are heavy. Some readers want to get to the “how-to” faster.
The solution:
Skim sections that repeat concepts you’ve grasped. Focus on the case examples for practical application.
Writing style sometimes dense. 📉
Results Require Patience
This isn’t quick:
The timeline:
Skill-building takes time. Months, not days.
The frustration:
Parents want the explosions to stop now. CPS offers gradual improvement.
The setbacks:
Progress isn’t linear. There will be bad days even as overall trends improve.
The faith required:
You have to trust the process before seeing results.
The contrast:
Traditional approaches might produce immediate (if temporary) compliance. CPS produces slower but more durable change.
Patience required for results. 📉
Who Is This For? 🎯
Perfect if you:
- Have a child who frequently melts down or explodes
- Have tried traditional discipline without success
- Want to understand WHY your child struggles
- Are willing to fundamentally change your approach
- Can invest time in proactive problem-solving
- Think long-term, not just immediate behavior control
- Want to preserve your relationship with your child
Not ideal if you:
- Have a child who responds well to traditional approaches (use those)
- Want a quick behavioral fix
- Aren’t ready to change your own parenting patterns
- Have severe family dysfunction requiring broader intervention first
- Need crisis intervention guidance primarily
- Want a lighter, quicker read
Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄
Raising Human Beings by Ross W. Greene: Greene’s application of CPS to ALL children, not just explosive ones. Read this after The Explosive Child if you want to extend the approach. 🏆
Lost at School by Ross W. Greene: Applies CPS to school settings. Essential if school behavior is a major concern.
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Brain-based understanding of children’s behavior. Complements CPS with neuroscience.
No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Discipline strategies consistent with brain science. Similar philosophy to Greene.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: Communication strategies that complement CPS beautifully.
Beyond Behaviors by Mona Delahooke: Understanding the body’s role in challenging behavior. Excellent complement to Greene’s cognitive focus.
Self-Reg by Stuart Shanker: Self-regulation framework that complements CPS. Focuses on stress and energy management. 📚
The Final Verdict 🏅
The Explosive Child offers something rare in parenting literature: a genuinely different way of understanding challenging children that leads to genuinely different solutions.
Greene’s core insight—that explosive children lack skills rather than motivation—reframes everything. It transforms how you see your child, how you respond to explosions, and what you believe is possible. For parents who have blamed themselves, blamed their child, or given up hope, this reframe alone is worth the price of the book.
The Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model provides a concrete methodology for helping explosive children develop the skills they lack. The three plans offer clarity. The extensive case examples show what collaboration actually looks like. And the focus on solving problems rather than imposing consequences respects both parent and child.
For families struggling with explosive, inflexible, easily frustrated children, this book is essential. It may not solve everything—some children need additional interventions—but it provides a foundation that makes everything else work better.
However, the approach requires significant parental change, takes time and energy, and won’t produce quick results. Crisis intervention guidance is limited. Partner and school alignment is challenging. And some children need more than CPS alone can provide.
The useful parts:
- “Kids do well if they can” paradigm shift
- Lagging skills framework explains behavior
- Unsolved problems provide clear targets
- Three plans offer structure
- Plan B thoroughly detailed
- Proactive emphasis prevents explosions
- Extensive realistic case examples
- Addresses “real world” objections
The problematic parts:
- Requires major parental change
- Time and energy intensive
- Limited crisis intervention guidance
- Partner/family alignment challenging
- School implementation difficult
- Some children need additional interventions
- Writing can be dense
- Results require patience
The best approach: Start with the paradigm shift. Let “kids do well if they can” sink in before trying the methodology. Then identify your child’s lagging skills and create an unsolved problems inventory. Move lower-priority expectations to Plan C to reduce explosions immediately. Pick ONE high-priority unsolved problem to address with Plan B. Master that process before expanding. And be patient—you’re building skills, not enforcing compliance.
The bottom line: The Explosive Child answers the question every parent of an explosive child has asked: “Why won’t they just…?”
The answer: because they can’t. Not yet.
Not because they’re bad. Not because they’re manipulative. Not because you’ve been too soft. Not because consequences aren’t severe enough.
Because the demands of certain situations exceed their skills—and when that happens, explosion is the only response they have.
This isn’t an excuse. It’s an explanation. And explanation leads to solution.
The solution isn’t more consequences. It’s building skills. It’s identifying the specific situations that trigger explosions and solving those problems collaboratively. It’s recognizing that behind every explosive episode is an unsolved problem and a lagging skill—both of which can be addressed.
Your explosive child can change. Not through force, but through partnership. Not through punishment, but through problem-solving. Not immediately, but durably.
Greene shows you how. Your child is waiting for someone to finally understand. You can be that person.
It won’t be easy. But it will be worth it. For your child, for your family, and for the relationship that will survive adolescence and last a lifetime.
Kids do well if they can. Help them can. 🧡💪✨
Did The Explosive Child change your understanding of your child? What was the hardest part of implementing CPS? What breakthroughs have you experienced? Share your story below!
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