A review from someone who learned that their child’s “bad behavior” was actually survival instinct and cried in the parenting section of the bookstore

Some children come into families having already experienced things no child should experience. Neglect. Abuse. Abandonment. Institutionalization. Multiple placements. Prenatal exposure to substances. Trauma before they had words to describe it.

These children don’t respond to typical parenting advice. Sticker charts don’t work. Time-outs backfire. Consequences that motivate other children make these children worse. Their brains and bodies have been shaped by early adversity in ways that require fundamentally different approaches.

Dr. Karyn Purvis’s The Connected Child was written for these families. Co-authored with David Cross and Wendy Sunshine, it introduces the Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) model that has transformed how we understand and parent children from hard places. 🤯

But does this approach actually work in the trenches of daily life with traumatized children? Or is it another idealistic framework that collapses under the weight of real behavioral challenges? Let’s connect.

What Is This Book? 🤔

Dr. Karyn Purvis was a developmental psychologist who dedicated her career to helping children from “hard places”—her compassionate term for backgrounds involving abuse, neglect, trauma, or compromised prenatal development. Along with Dr. David Cross, she developed TBRI at Texas Christian University’s Institute of Child Development.

The central premise: Children who have experienced early adversity have brains and bodies shaped by that adversity. Healing requires addressing the whole child—sensory needs, attachment needs, and behavioral needs—through connection rather than correction.

The book covers:

• How early adversity affects brain development
• Understanding behavior as communication of unmet needs
• Sensory processing challenges in traumatized children
• Building attachment through trust-based interactions
• Practical strategies for daily challenges
• The TBRI principles: Empowering, Connecting, and Correcting
• Healing as a long-term process

It’s written primarily for adoptive and foster parents but applies to anyone parenting children with trauma histories or attachment challenges. 📖

The Good Stuff ✅

It Reframes Behavior as Communication

This single shift transforms everything:

“Behavior is the language of children who have no words for what happened to them.”

When a child:

• Hoards food → They’re communicating “I’ve been hungry and I’m afraid I will be again”
• Rages at small frustrations → They’re communicating “I feel out of control and unsafe”
• Lies about obvious things → They’re communicating “Truth was dangerous in my past”
• Rejects affection → They’re communicating “Connection has hurt me before”

Understanding behavior as communication of unmet needs shifts parents from punishment to curiosity. What is this child trying to tell me? What do they need? 💡

It Explains the Neuroscience Accessibly

Purvis explains how trauma affects developing brains:

The stress response system:

• Children from hard places often have dysregulated stress responses
• Their “alarm systems” are either always on or completely shut down
• What looks like defiance may be survival brain activation
• Calming the nervous system must precede behavioral expectations

Brain development:

• Early neglect affects brain architecture
• Attachment experiences shape neural pathways
• Healing is possible through neuroplasticity
• But it takes time, repetition, and relationship

Sensory processing:

• Many traumatized children have sensory challenges
• They may be over-responsive or under-responsive to input
• Sensory needs must be addressed for regulation
• What looks behavioral may be sensory

This neuroscience foundation helps parents understand they’re not dealing with a “bad kid” but a hurt brain that needs healing. 🧠

The Empowering Principles Are Practical

TBRI’s first principle addresses physical and sensory needs:

Hydration and nutrition:

• Traumatized children often have blood sugar dysregulation
• Frequent protein snacks stabilize mood and behavior
• Dehydration affects brain function significantly
• “Have you had water and protein?” becomes a first response to dysregulation

Sensory input:

• Proprioceptive activities (heavy work, deep pressure) regulate
• Vestibular input (swinging, spinning) can calm or alert
• Sensory breaks prevent meltdowns
• Environment modifications reduce triggers

Physical safety:

• Predictable routines create felt safety
• Transitions need extra support
• Reducing surprises prevents survival responses
• Physical space affects emotional state

These practical, body-based interventions often work when nothing else does. 🎯

The Connecting Principles Build Trust

TBRI’s second principle focuses on attachment:

Mindful engagement:

• Eye contact (when tolerable)
• Matching the child’s emotional level
• Playful interactions that build connection
• Presence that communicates “I see you”

Playful interaction:

• Healthy touch and physical play
• Laughter and joy in relationship
• Games that build trust
• Connection before correction

Nurture:

• Meeting needs even when child can’t ask
• Anticipating what they need before crisis
• Consistent, reliable caregiving
• Repairing relationship after ruptures

For children whose early relationships were harmful, these connecting principles slowly teach that adults can be trusted. 💕

The Correcting Principles Are Respectful

TBRI’s third principle addresses behavior—but differently:

Proactive strategies:

• Environmental changes that prevent problems
• Teaching skills before they’re needed
• Role-playing appropriate responses
• Setting children up for success

Responsive strategies:

• IDEAL response: Immediate, Direct, Efficient, Action-based, Leveled
• Choices that preserve dignity
• Natural consequences over punishment
• “Redo” opportunities to practice correct behavior

The “Redo”:

Child: grabs toy from sibling
Parent: “Let’s try that again with respect.”
Child: asks for toy appropriately
Parent: “That was respectful! Thank you!”

Redos allow children to practice correct behavior instead of just being punished for incorrect behavior. They’re learning, not just complying. 🔄

It Acknowledges the Parent’s Journey

Purvis recognizes that parenting hurt children is exhausting:

“You cannot give what you don’t have. Your own regulation, your own support, your own healing—these matter for your child’s healing.”

The book addresses:

• Secondary trauma in caregivers
• The need for support systems
• Managing your own triggers
• Self-compassion when you fail
• The marathon nature of healing

This validation helps parents survive the long journey ahead. 💪

It Provides Scripts and Specifics

Unlike purely theoretical books, Purvis provides specific language:

For compliance:

• “Are you asking me or telling me?”
• “Try that again with respect”
• “Good job using your words”
• “Can you show me what you need?”

For connection:

• “I’m here. You’re safe.”
• “I’m not going anywhere”
• “Let’s figure this out together”
• “Your feelings make sense”

For crisis:

• “I can see you’re really upset”
• “I’m going to stay calm so I can help you”
• “When you’re ready, I’m here”
• “We’re going to get through this”

Having words ready when you’re exhausted and triggered is invaluable. 📝

The Research Base Is Strong

TBRI has been studied and shown effective:

• Reduced cortisol levels in children
• Improved attachment classifications
• Decreased behavioral challenges
• Better long-term outcomes

This isn’t just theory—it’s been tested with real families and real children from hard places. 📊

The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬

It’s Overwhelming in Scope

TBRI addresses:

• Sensory needs
• Nutritional needs
• Attachment needs
• Behavioral strategies
• Environmental modifications
• Parental self-care
• Professional support

For exhausted parents already in survival mode, implementing a comprehensive system feels impossible. Where do you even start? 😰

It Requires Significant Resources

Full TBRI implementation requires:

• Time for frequent snacks and sensory breaks
• Money for specific foods, sensory tools, and supports
• Energy to stay regulated when your child is dysregulated
• Ideally, training beyond just reading the book
• Support system for parental respite

Parents without these resources may feel the approach is inaccessible. 💰

Some Children Need More Than TBRI

TBRI is powerful but not sufficient for all situations:

• Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder may need specialized therapy
• Children with severe trauma may need professional treatment alongside TBRI
• Psychiatric conditions may require medication
• Safety concerns may require additional interventions

The book can be read as suggesting TBRI alone will heal all hurt children. Sometimes it’s necessary but not sufficient. 🏥

The Staying Calm Requirement Is Brutal

TBRI emphasizes parental regulation:

“When your child is dysregulated, they need to borrow your calm.”

But when your child has raged for two hours, broken things, said horrible things, and you’ve been triggered yourself—staying calm is nearly impossible.

The book acknowledges this difficulty but the gap between knowing you should stay calm and actually doing it is vast. 😤

It Can Create Guilt

Learning that your child’s behavior stems from trauma they experienced before meeting you can be healing. But it can also create:

• Guilt for every time you responded punitively
• Pressure to be perfectly therapeutic at all times
• Feeling like you’re always failing your hurt child
• Difficulty setting boundaries because “they’ve been through so much”

The compassion the book cultivates can become self-destructive perfectionism. ⚖️

Neurotypical Children in the Home Struggle

Families with both traumatized and non-traumatized children face challenges:

• Neurotypical children may resent different treatment
• Safety concerns when traumatized child acts out
• Attention disproportionately going to struggling child
• Whole family affected by one child’s healing journey

The book focuses on the connected child without fully addressing sibling impacts. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

Progress Is Genuinely Slow

Purvis is honest that healing takes years, not months:

“It takes time to build trust that was never established or was broken. There are no quick fixes.”

But living this reality—years of difficult behavior, slow progress, frequent setbacks—is grueling. Knowing it’s normal doesn’t make it easier. ⏳

The Clever Comparison 🏆

If approaches to parenting traumatized children were medical treatments:

The Connected Child is comprehensive rehabilitation—addresses the whole patient (sensory, relational, behavioral), takes a long time, requires significant resources, but produces genuine healing. 🏥

The Explosive Child is targeted physical therapy—addresses specific skill deficits through collaborative problem-solving, works for many kids regardless of trauma history.

Traditional discipline is treating symptoms without diagnosing—may temporarily suppress behavior but doesn’t address underlying cause.

Beyond Consequences is the same treatment philosophy with different protocol—similar trauma-informed approach with different specific strategies.

Who Is This For? 🎯

Perfect if you:

• Have adopted or fostered a child with trauma history
• Are parenting a child with early neglect, abuse, or institutional care
• Find traditional parenting approaches backfiring
• Want to understand why your child behaves as they do
• Are willing to invest in comprehensive, long-term approach
• Need validation that this is genuinely hard
• Seek research-backed trauma-informed strategies
• Have resources (time, support, energy) for intensive parenting

Not ideal if you:

• Are parenting neurotypical children without trauma history
• Need quick behavioral fixes
• Are in crisis requiring immediate professional intervention
• Want brief, targeted advice
• Are unable to access support for yourself
• Have safety concerns requiring more restrictive approaches

Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather Forbes & Bryan Post: Similar trauma-informed philosophy with different presentation. Some parents find this more accessible than Purvis. 🏆

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson: Brain-based parenting for all children, not specifically trauma-focused. Good foundation that complements TBRI.

No-Drama Discipline by Siegel & Bryson: Connection-based discipline for general population. Overlaps with TBRI principles in more accessible format.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk: Deeper understanding of how trauma affects the body and brain. Not parenting-specific but provides crucial context.

Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck: Another comprehensive resource for adoptive and foster parents of traumatized children.

The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis & Lisa Qualls: Purvis’s later book, written with an adoptive mother. More practical and accessible than The Connected Child. 📚

The TBRI Framework Summary 📋

Understanding the three principles helps implementation:

Empowering Principles (Meeting Physical Needs)

Physiological:

• Hydration: Water available constantly
• Nutrition: Protein every 2-3 hours, limited sugar
• Sleep: Adequate, consistent sleep routines
• Sensory: Input matched to child’s needs

Ecological:

• Predictable environment
• Reduced transitions
• Safe spaces for regulation
• Sensory-friendly modifications

Connecting Principles (Meeting Attachment Needs)

Mindfulness:

• Awareness of child’s state
• Awareness of your own state
• Present, attuned engagement
• Reading cues accurately

Engagement:

• Eye contact (at child’s comfort level)
• Healthy touch
• Playfulness and joy
• Matched affect

Nurture:

• Meeting dependency needs
• Consistent caregiving
• Repairing after ruptures
• Unconditional positive regard

Correcting Principles (Addressing Behavior)

Proactive:

• Teaching before expecting
• Environmental setup for success
• Anticipating needs and struggles
• Life Value Terms (respect, gentle, kind)

Responsive:

• IDEAL responses
• Choices preserving dignity
• Redos for practice
• Natural consequences
• Connection through correction 🎯

The “Hard Places” Understanding 💔

Purvis’s term “hard places” includes:

Prenatal experiences:

• Substance exposure
• Maternal stress during pregnancy
• Inadequate prenatal care
• Premature birth

Early life experiences:

• Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional)
• Neglect (physical, emotional)
• Domestic violence exposure
• Multiple caregivers or placements
• Institutionalization
• Medical trauma
• Loss and grief

What these experiences create:

• Dysregulated stress response systems
• Attachment difficulties
• Sensory processing challenges
• Developmental delays
• Survival-based behaviors
• Difficulty trusting adults

Understanding the “why” behind behavior transforms how you respond. This isn’t a bad child—this is a hurt child doing what they learned to survive. 🌱

The Parental Survival Guide 🆘

Parenting traumatized children requires:

Support:

• Respite care (essential, not optional)
• Therapeutic support for yourself
• Community of parents who understand
• Professionals who know trauma

Self-regulation:

• Know your triggers
• Have a plan for when you’re dysregulated
• Practice calming techniques
• Take breaks before crisis

Realistic expectations:

• Progress measured in years, not weeks
• Two steps forward, one step back is normal
• Comparison to neurotypical families is harmful
• Celebrate tiny victories

Self-compassion:

• You will lose your temper
• You will do things wrong
• Repair matters more than perfection
• Your needs matter too

This is the hardest parenting there is. You need support to survive it. 💪

The Long View 🔮

Purvis was clear about outcomes:

What healing looks like:

• Gradual reduction in survival behaviors
• Increasing capacity for trust
• Growing ability to regulate
• Developing secure attachment
• Building age-appropriate skills

What healing requires:

• Consistent, patient caregiving
• Years of repetitive positive experiences
• Professional support often
• Parental endurance

What’s possible:

• Children from hard places can heal
• Brains have plasticity
• Secure attachment can develop
• But it takes what it takes

The child you have today isn’t the child you’ll have in five years—if you can stay regulated, connected, and committed through the journey. ✨

The Final Verdict 🏅

The Connected Child is essential reading for anyone parenting children from hard places. Dr. Purvis’s framework transforms how parents understand their struggling children—from “bad” to “hurt,” from “defiant” to “scared,” from “won’t” to “can’t yet.”

The TBRI approach is comprehensive, research-backed, and genuinely effective. But it’s also demanding, requiring resources and support that not all families have access to. Implementation is a marathon, not a sprint.

For families in the trenches with traumatized children, this book offers both practical strategies and profound hope. Your child’s early experiences shaped their brain in certain ways. But brains can change. Attachment can develop. Trust can grow. Healing is possible.

It just takes time. And connection. And more patience than you thought you had.

Dr. Purvis, who passed away in 2016, left a legacy of transformed families and healed children. Her core message remains: these children need connection, not correction. They need understanding, not punishment. They need someone who will stay regulated when they cannot, who will stay present when they push away, who will keep believing in their capacity to heal.

That someone could be you. It won’t be easy. But it might be the most important thing you ever do. 💕✨

Are you parenting a child from a hard place? What strategies have helped you stay connected through the difficult moments? Share your experiences—the community of parents walking this road together makes it survivable.