The Connected Child by Karyn B. Purvis: A Deep Dive Review

A review from someone who thought love was enough—and discovered that children from hard places need something more specific

You opened your home to a child who needed one.

Maybe through adoption. Maybe through foster care. Maybe through kinship care when a relative couldn’t parent. You had so much love to give. You knew this child had been through difficulty. You believed—deeply, genuinely—that love would heal them.

And then reality hit.

The rages. The lying. The hoarding food. The resistance to affection. The behaviors that made no sense. The pushing away of the very love you were trying to give. The feeling that no matter what you did, you couldn’t reach this child.

You tried everything. Consequences. Rewards. Therapy. Books. Nothing worked the way it should. Traditional parenting advice seemed written for a different species of child. You started wondering if something was wrong with you. Or if this child was simply beyond help.

Here’s what nobody told you: love is necessary, but it’s not sufficient.

Children who have experienced early trauma, neglect, or disrupted attachment have different brains. Different nervous systems. Different expectations about relationships and the world. They need specific approaches designed for their specific needs—not the general parenting strategies that work for children from stable backgrounds.

Dr. Karyn B. Purvis, Dr. David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine’s The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family offers exactly that. Developed through years of research and clinical work with adoptive and foster families, the Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) approach provides concrete strategies for reaching children who seem unreachable.

It’s the book that finally explains why your child acts the way they do—and what actually helps. Let’s find out if it delivers.

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What Is This Book? 🤔

The Connected Child presents Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), an attachment-based, trauma-informed approach developed at Texas Christian University’s Institute of Child Development. While primarily written for adoptive and foster families, its principles apply to any child who has experienced early adversity.

The format:

Understanding children from “hard places”
The science of attachment and trauma
Practical strategies organized by category
Scripts and specific techniques
Real-life examples throughout
Troubleshooting common challenges
Guidance for different situations and ages

The core thesis:

Children who have experienced early trauma, neglect, abuse, or disrupted attachment develop differently. Their brains are wired for survival, not connection. Their behaviors—even the most baffling and frustrating ones—make sense when understood through the lens of their history.

Healing requires more than love. It requires:

Connection (building trust and attachment)
Empowerment (meeting physical and sensory needs)
Correction (addressing behavior while maintaining connection)

Traditional parenting approaches often fail—or backfire—with these children. TBRI provides alternatives designed specifically for their needs.

The coverage:

What creates children from “hard places”
How early adversity affects brain development
The importance of attachment and how to build it
Meeting sensory and physical needs
Strategies for connection
Approaches to discipline that maintain trust
Handling specific challenging behaviors
Self-care for parents
When to seek additional help

The key principles:

All behavior has meaning—especially puzzling behavior
Connection precedes correction—always
Children from hard places need felt safety, not just physical safety
Healing happens through relationship
Traditional consequences often don’t work—and can make things worse
Parents must take care of themselves to care for their children

It’s the manual for parenting children who didn’t get the start they needed. 📖

The Good Stuff ✅

Understanding “Children from Hard Places”

Finally making sense of the chaos:

The term:
Purvis uses “children from hard places” to describe children who have experienced:

Prenatal stress or substance exposure
Early neglect
Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
Multiple caregivers or placements
Institutional care
Disrupted attachment
Trauma of any kind

The effect on development:
These experiences shape brain development in measurable ways:

The stress response system becomes hyperactive
The brain prioritizes survival over connection
Self-regulation capacities don’t develop normally
Attachment patterns become insecure or disorganized
Sensory processing may be affected
Executive function development is impaired

The behavior translation:
Suddenly, baffling behaviors make sense:

Hoarding food = survival response from early deprivation
Lying about obvious things = self-protection learned when truth was dangerous
Rejecting affection = avoiding the vulnerability that led to hurt before
Rages over small things = dysregulated nervous system with no tolerance window
Control battles = needing control when early life was chaotic and unpredictable
Hypervigilance = staying alert because adults weren’t safe

The compassion shift:
When you understand the “why,” your response changes. The child isn’t being defiant. They’re being traumatized. They’re not manipulating. They’re surviving.

The reframe:
From “Why won’t my child just…?” to “What happened to my child that makes this feel necessary?”

Understanding transforms perspective. 🎯

The TBRI Framework Is Comprehensive

Three pillars for healing:

Connecting Principles:
Building trust and attachment through:

Mindfulness (awareness of your own state)
Engagement (active, playful connection)
Eye contact, voice tone, touch
Matching the child’s developmental level
Creating felt safety (not just physical safety)

Empowering Principles:
Meeting physical and sensory needs through:

Nutrition and hydration (blood sugar affects regulation)
Sensory input and regulation
Ecological modifications (changing the environment)
Physiological support
Addressing underlying physical needs that drive behavior

Correcting Principles:
Addressing behavior while maintaining connection through:

Proactive strategies (preventing problems)
Responsive strategies (handling problems when they occur)
IDEAL response (Immediate, Direct, Efficient, Action-based, Leveled)
Re-dos and compromises
Maintaining relationship through correction

The integration:
All three work together. You can’t correct without connection. Connection requires empowerment. Empowerment enables connection and correction.

The sequence:
Connection first. Always. Correction without connection is just power—and these children have learned that power isn’t safe.

Comprehensive framework for healing. ✨

“Felt Safety” Changes Everything

Not just safe—feeling safe:

The distinction:
A child may be physically safe—in a good home, with loving parents, with adequate resources—but not feel safe. Their nervous system, shaped by early danger, doesn’t register safety.

The result:
The child continues operating in survival mode. Hypervigilant. Defensive. Unable to relax into connection or learning. Their body hasn’t gotten the message that things are different now.

The implication:
Creating safety isn’t enough. You must help the child’s nervous system register safety. This requires specific, intentional approaches.

The components of felt safety:

Predictability:
Children from chaotic backgrounds need to know what’s coming. Routines, warnings before transitions, consistent responses.

Nurture:
Physical affection, eye contact, playful engagement—the sensory experiences of being cared for.

Attunement:
Showing that you see the child, understand them, and respond to their needs. The experience of being known.

Empowerment:
Giving children appropriate choices and control. They’ve experienced powerlessness; they need agency.

Regulation support:
Co-regulation before self-regulation. Your calm helps them find calm.

The timeline:
Felt safety develops slowly. It can’t be rushed. The child’s nervous system needs repeated experiences of safety before it updates its expectations.

Felt safety as essential concept. 💪

The Practical Scripts Are Invaluable

What to actually say:

The value:
Purvis provides specific language for specific situations. You’re not left wondering what to do in the moment.

The examples:

When a child lies:
“Sweetheart, I think you’re trying to tell me something. Let’s try a re-do. Can you tell me what really happened?”

When a child is dysregulated:
“I can see you’re upset. Let’s take some breaths together. I’m right here with you.”

When setting a boundary:
“I know you want that, and the answer is no. Let’s think about what you CAN have.”

When offering a compromise:
“We can’t do it that way, but here’s what we CAN do. Would you like option A or option B?”

When a child pushes back:
“I hear you. Let me know when you’re ready to use your words to tell me what you need.”

The “re-do” technique:
One of the most practical tools. When a child behaves inappropriately, instead of punishing, you ask for a re-do. “Let’s try that again with respect.” The child gets a chance to practice the right way—building new neural pathways.

The language patterns:

Giving choices: “Would you like to… or…?”
Checking in: “Are you okay? What do you need?”
Staying calm: “I’m going to stay calm, and I’m going to help you calm down too.”
Maintaining connection: “I love you. And we need to talk about what just happened.”

Practical scripts for real situations. 🌟

The Sensory and Physical Foundation

Bodies drive behavior:

The insight:
Many behavioral problems have physical roots. Hunger, blood sugar crashes, sensory overwhelm, dehydration, sleep deprivation—these affect behavior dramatically, especially in children with trauma histories.

The blood sugar connection:
Children from early deprivation often have difficulty regulating blood sugar. When blood sugar drops, behavior deteriorates. Regular, protein-rich snacks can dramatically improve regulation.

The sensory piece:
Many children from hard places have sensory processing differences:

Some are sensory-seeking (need more input)
Some are sensory-avoidant (overwhelmed by input)
Some have both patterns in different domains

The practical applications:

Hydration station:
Keep water available. Dehydration affects cognition and mood.

Protein snacks:
Every two hours if needed. Nuts, cheese, meat, eggs. Stabilize blood sugar.

Sensory tools:
Fidgets, weighted blankets, chewy items, movement breaks. Meet sensory needs proactively.

Physical activity:
Movement helps regulate. Build it into daily routine.

Sleep priority:
Trauma affects sleep. And sleep deprivation affects everything.

The reframe:
Before assuming a behavior is defiance, check: Is my child hungry? Tired? Sensory-overwhelmed? Physically uncomfortable?

Physical foundation emphasized. 🛡️

The Discipline Approach Is Trauma-Informed

Correction without disconnection:

The problem with traditional discipline:
For children from hard places, traditional consequences often:

Trigger trauma responses (especially isolation)
Confirm beliefs that adults are unsafe
Create power struggles that escalate
Don’t teach alternative behaviors
Damage the relationship needed for healing

The TBRI alternative:

Connection first:
Before any correction, establish connection. Eye contact. Calm voice. Physical proximity (not threatening).

IDEAL response:

Immediate: Address behavior in the moment
Direct: Be clear about what’s happening
Efficient: Keep it brief
Action-based: Focus on behavior, not character
Leveled: Match your response to the severity

Compromises:
Look for ways to meet the child’s underlying need while addressing the behavior. “You can’t hit, but you CAN tell me you’re mad.”

Re-dos:
Give the child a chance to try again correctly. “Let’s do that over with kind words.”

Natural consequences when appropriate:
Let reality teach when it’s safe to do so.

What to avoid:

Time-outs and isolation:
For children with attachment trauma, isolation triggers abandonment fears. It makes things worse, not better.

Shame-based responses:
“I can’t believe you did that” attacks the child’s sense of self, which is already fragile.

Power struggles:
These activate survival responses. Nobody wins.

Long lectures:
Keep it brief. Dysregulated children can’t process long explanations.

Trauma-informed discipline. 📝

The Attachment Focus Is Central

Healing happens through relationship:

The core truth:
Children are wounded in relationship. They heal in relationship. No technique, no strategy, no intervention works without the foundation of connection.

What attachment provides:

Felt safety
Co-regulation capacity
Template for future relationships
Foundation for exploration and learning
Sense of worthiness and belonging

What disrupted attachment creates:

Difficulty trusting
Problems with emotional regulation
Challenges in relationships
Working models of self as unworthy
Working models of others as unreliable

Building attachment:

Consistent, responsive caregiving
Repair after rupture (always reconnect after conflict)
Attunement (seeing and responding to the child’s internal state)
Playful engagement
Physical affection (at the child’s pace)
Eye contact and focused attention

The timeline:
Attachment doesn’t form on the adoption date. It builds over months and years of consistent, responsive caregiving. Be patient. It’s happening, even when you can’t see it.

The repair:
You will rupture. You’ll lose your temper. You’ll respond poorly. What matters is repair—coming back together, acknowledging what happened, reconnecting. Repair teaches that relationships survive conflict.

Attachment central to healing. 🧠

Self-Care for Parents Is Addressed

You can’t pour from an empty cup:

The acknowledgment:
Parenting children from hard places is exhausting. Physically, emotionally, relationally. The book acknowledges this directly.

The necessity:
You cannot remain regulated, attuned, and connected if you’re depleted. Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential for the child’s healing.

The practices:

Respite:
You need breaks. Regular respite care—even brief—is essential.

Support system:
Other parents who understand. Professionals who can help. Community that supports.

Your own regulation:
Practices that help you stay regulated—exercise, sleep, nutrition, spiritual practice, therapy.

Realistic expectations:
Progress is slow. Setbacks happen. Adjusting expectations protects your wellbeing.

Professional help:
When you need it. Therapy, support groups, coaching.

The permission:
The book gives parents permission to struggle, to need help, to not be perfect. This is hard. It’s okay to acknowledge that.

Self-care addressed. 💬

The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬

Can Feel Overwhelming

So much to implement:

The scope:
TBRI is comprehensive. Connecting principles, empowering principles, correcting principles. Dozens of specific strategies. Sensory considerations. Nutritional interventions. Communication techniques.

The effect:
Parents already overwhelmed may feel more overwhelmed. “Now I have to do ALL of this?”

The reality:
You can’t implement everything at once. But the book doesn’t always make it clear where to start or how to prioritize.

The solution:
Focus on connection first. Start with felt safety, attunement, and your own regulation. Add other elements gradually.

Can feel overwhelming. 😬

Some Strategies Require Resources

Not everyone has access:

The suggestions:
The book sometimes suggests resources not all families have:

Occupational therapy for sensory issues
Regular respite care
Therapeutic support
Time to implement intensive interventions
Financial resources for specific tools or foods

The gap:
Families without insurance, without nearby services, without financial flexibility may struggle to implement some recommendations.

The acknowledgment:
More acknowledgment of constraints and adaptations for limited-resource families would strengthen the book.

The core:
Many strategies—connection, attunement, the relationship itself—don’t require financial resources. But some supplemental recommendations do.

Resource access varies. 😬

May Not Be Enough for Severe Cases

When more help is needed:

The limitation:
Some children’s trauma is severe enough that parenting strategies alone aren’t sufficient. They need professional therapeutic intervention.

The gap:
The book could more clearly delineate when TBRI at home is sufficient versus when professional help is essential.

The conditions:
Children with severe attachment disorders, reactive attachment disorder, significant mental health conditions, or dangerous behaviors may need more intensive intervention.

The risk:
Parents might try to handle situations at home that actually require professional support.

The guidance:
The book does address seeking help, but could be clearer about red flags and when parenting strategies alone aren’t enough.

Severe cases may need more. 😬

Partner Alignment Critical

When caregivers disagree:

The challenge:
TBRI requires consistency. Both parents need to be on board. But partners may disagree about the approach.

The conflict:
“You’re coddling them.” “They need consequences.” “This is too soft.”

The gap:
Limited guidance on navigating fundamental disagreement between caregivers.

The effect:
Inconsistency undermines the approach. Children from hard places especially need consistency.

The need:
More strategies for getting partners aligned or working within disagreement.

Partner alignment essential but underaddressed. 😬

School and Extended Family Issues

The broader system:

The challenge:
TBRI works best when all caregivers are aligned. But schools and extended family members may not understand trauma-informed parenting.

The conflicts:

Schools:
May use traditional discipline that triggers trauma responses. May see the child’s behavior as willful. May not understand why parents are parenting “differently.”

Extended family:
“In my day, we didn’t coddle children.” “They just need firm limits.” “You’re making excuses for bad behavior.”

The gap:
Limited guidance on navigating these external systems and relationships.

The advocacy:
Parents may need to advocate extensively—often without support or guidance on how.

External system challenges. 😬

Dated in Some Respects

Published in 2007:

The issue:
Some references and examples reflect the time of publication.

The gap:
Contemporary challenges—social media, smartphones, current research—aren’t addressed.

The core:
The fundamental principles remain sound. But specific contemporary applications may need translation.

The update:
The TBRI approach has continued developing. The Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development has more recent resources.

Some dated elements. 🚩

Writing Style Can Be Uneven

Varies in accessibility:

The format:
The book combines science, practical advice, and case examples. The balance isn’t always smooth.

The effect:
Some sections feel more accessible than others. Some readers may find certain parts dense or slow.

The organization:
The structure, while logical, can sometimes make it hard to find specific guidance quickly.

The solution:
Use the book as a reference. Don’t expect to read straight through and remember everything. Return to relevant sections as needed.

Writing style uneven. 📉

Doesn’t Address Birth Parents’ Perspective

One side of the story:

The focus:
The book is written for adoptive and foster parents. Birth parents’ experiences and perspectives aren’t centered.

The gap:
For families with ongoing birth parent contact, or for understanding the child’s full story, this perspective is missing.

The limitation:
The book focuses on “children from hard places” without always fully exploring how those hard places came to be—in ways that might help with understanding and compassion.

Birth parent perspective absent. 📉

Who Is This For? 🎯

Perfect if you:

Are an adoptive or foster parent struggling with challenging behavior
Have a child who experienced early trauma, neglect, or disrupted attachment
Feel like traditional parenting isn’t working
Want to understand WHY your child acts the way they do
Need concrete strategies for specific situations
Want a comprehensive, research-based approach
Are willing to parent differently than you might have planned
Understand that love alone isn’t enough

Not ideal if you:

Are parenting a child without significant early adversity
Want quick fixes for behavior problems
Aren’t willing to examine your own patterns and triggers
Have a partner fundamentally opposed to this approach
Are looking for contemporary discussion of current challenges
Need intensive professional intervention guidance
Want a brief, simple approach

Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Brain-based parenting for all children. Good foundation, complements TBRI. More accessible for general audiences. 🏆

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post: Another trauma-informed parenting approach. Similar philosophy to TBRI, different emphasis.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk: Understanding trauma from a scientific perspective. Deepens understanding of what children from hard places have experienced.

No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Connection-based discipline approach. Compatible with TBRI, helpful for specific discipline strategies.

Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell: Understanding your own attachment history. Essential for parents who must understand themselves to help their children.

Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel A. Hughes: Therapeutic approach to attachment in children from hard places. More clinical focus.

Creating Loving Attachments by Kim S. Golding and Daniel A. Hughes: Practical parenting strategies for attachment difficulties. Complements TBRI well.

Attaching in Adoption by Deborah D. Gray: Comprehensive guide to attachment in adoption. Deeper dive into attachment formation. 📚

The Final Verdict 🏅

The Connected Child offers something essential: hope and practical guidance for families struggling with children who seem unreachable. Purvis and her colleagues provide both the understanding of WHY children from hard places act the way they do and the specific strategies for WHAT to do about it.

The TBRI framework—connecting, empowering, correcting—provides a comprehensive approach that addresses the whole child. The concept of “felt safety” transforms how parents understand their role. The practical scripts give language for difficult moments. And the emphasis on attachment reminds us that healing happens through relationship, not through technique alone.

For adoptive and foster families—and for anyone parenting a child with early adversity—this book is essential. It validates the struggle, explains the behavior, and provides a path forward.

However, the approach can feel overwhelming to implement. Resources aren’t equally available to all families. Severe cases may need more than parenting strategies can provide. And partner alignment, school navigation, and extended family issues could be better addressed.

The useful parts:

Understanding children from hard places
Comprehensive TBRI framework
Felt safety as essential concept
Practical scripts for real situations
Physical foundation emphasized
Trauma-informed discipline approach
Attachment central to healing
Self-care for parents addressed

The problematic parts:

Can feel overwhelming
Resource access varies
Severe cases may need more
Partner alignment underaddressed
External system challenges
Some dated elements
Writing style uneven
Birth parent perspective absent

The best approach: Start with understanding. Read the early chapters that explain why children from hard places act the way they do. Let that compassion sink in. Then focus on connection—felt safety, attunement, your own regulation. Add specific strategies gradually. Be patient with yourself and your child. Seek professional support when needed. And remember: healing is possible, but it takes time.

The bottom line: The Connected Child speaks a truth that every parent of a child from hard places needs to hear: It’s not your fault, and it’s not their fault either.

Your child isn’t choosing to be difficult. They’re responding to experiences that shaped their brain before you ever met them. Their behaviors—the ones that baffle and exhaust you—make sense when you understand their history.

And there IS a path forward.

Not a quick path. Not an easy path. But a real one.

Connection heals. Felt safety heals. Consistent, attuned, responsive caregiving heals. Slowly, over time, the child’s nervous system learns that things are different now. That this relationship is different. That they can trust. That they are worthy of love.

This is the hardest work you’ll ever do. And the most important.

You didn’t cause your child’s wounds. But you have the opportunity to be part of their healing. Not by loving harder—you already love as hard as you can. But by loving smarter. By understanding what they actually need. By providing the specific experiences that help traumatized brains rewire.

Purvis gives you the roadmap. The journey is still long. But at least now you know where you’re going—and that others have walked this path before you.

Your child is not broken beyond repair. They are wounded—and wounds can heal. With time. With patience. With connection.

With you.

That’s the power of the connected child. Not a technique. A relationship. The relationship that changes everything.

You can do this. And your child is worth it. 💙🌱✨

Did The Connected Child change how you understand your child’s behavior? What strategies have been most helpful? What challenges do you still face? Share your experience below!

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