A review from someone who learned the phrase “emotion coaching” and now uses it approximately seventeen times per day

Some parenting books come from theorists. Others come from clinicians with individual case experience. John Gottman’s work comes from something different: a laboratory where families were observed, recorded, measured, and analyzed with scientific precision for decades.

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child distills that research into a parenting approach called “emotion coaching”—a method that helps children understand and regulate their emotions, building the emotional intelligence that predicts success in relationships, academics, health, and life. 🤯

But can laboratory research actually translate into messy real-world parenting? Or is this academic wisdom that collapses when your kid is screaming about the wrong color cup? Let’s feel our way through.

What Is This Book? 🤔

John Gottman is a psychologist famous for his research on marriage—he can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy by observing couples interact. Less known is his extensive research on families, children, and how parenting shapes emotional development.

For this book, Gottman studied families over years, observing parent-child interactions and tracking outcomes. He identified distinct parenting styles around emotions and discovered that one approach—emotion coaching—produced dramatically better outcomes.

The central premise: How parents respond to children’s emotions shapes those children’s emotional intelligence, which in turn predicts academic success, social competence, physical health, and lifelong well-being.

The book covers:

• The science of emotional intelligence in children
• Four parenting styles around emotions
• The five steps of emotion coaching
• How to emotion coach during challenging moments
• Emotion coaching across different ages
• When emotion coaching isn’t enough
• Building emotional intelligence as a family

It’s research translated into practice—the “what” and “why” backed by data, the “how” made practical for daily parenting. 📖

The Four Parenting Styles Around Emotions 📊

Gottman’s research identified four distinct approaches parents take to children’s emotions:

1. Dismissing Parents

Belief: Negative emotions are harmful and should be minimized.

Behavior:

• “Don’t be sad—it’s not a big deal”
• “You’re fine, stop crying”
• “Big boys don’t cry”
• Distraction, minimization, moving past feelings quickly

Outcome: Children learn their emotions are wrong, shameful, or unimportant. They struggle to regulate because they never learn how.

2. Disapproving Parents

Belief: Negative emotions are misbehavior requiring correction.

Behavior:

• “I’ll give you something to cry about”
• “Stop being so dramatic”
• Criticism, punishment for emotional expression
• Anger at children’s emotions

Outcome: Children learn to suppress emotions but not regulate them. They often struggle with anxiety, depression, or explosive outbursts later.

3. Laissez-Faire Parents

Belief: All emotions should be accepted without limits.

Behavior:

• Accept all feelings AND all behaviors
• No guidance on regulation
• No limits on emotional expression
• “Let it all out” without direction

Outcome: Children feel accepted but lack regulation skills. They struggle with impulse control and social boundaries.

4. Emotion Coaching Parents

Belief: Emotions are opportunities for connection and teaching.

Behavior:

• Accept all feelings while setting limits on behavior
• Help children label and understand emotions
• Teach regulation strategies
• Connect before correcting

Outcome: Children develop emotional intelligence, better regulation, stronger relationships, and better life outcomes.

The research clearly showed: emotion coaching produced superior outcomes across virtually every measure. 🏆

The Good Stuff ✅

The Research Foundation Is Exceptional

This isn’t opinion or clinical intuition. Gottman’s conclusions come from:

• Longitudinal studies following families for years
• Physiological measurements (heart rate, stress hormones)
• Behavioral observation and coding
• Academic and social outcome tracking
• Comparison across parenting styles

When Gottman says emotion coaching works, he has data showing it works—not just in theory but in measured outcomes over time. Parents can trust this isn’t another parenting fad. 📈

The Five Steps Are Clear and Memorable

Emotion coaching distills into a practical process:

Step 1: Become aware of the child’s emotion
Notice emotional states before they escalate. Read cues. Pay attention.

Step 2: Recognize emotion as opportunity for intimacy and teaching
Instead of dreading emotional moments, see them as connection opportunities.

Step 3: Listen empathetically and validate feelings
Really listen. Reflect what you hear. Accept the feeling as legitimate.

Step 4: Help the child label emotions
Put words to feelings. Expand emotional vocabulary. Name it to tame it.

Step 5: Set limits while helping child problem-solve
Accept all feelings; set limits on behavior. Collaborate on solutions.

These five steps provide a clear roadmap for emotional moments. Parents know what to do when feelings emerge. 🎯

It Explains Why Traditional Approaches Fail

Gottman helps parents understand why common responses backfire:

“Stop crying” fails because:

• It dismisses the child’s experience
• It teaches emotions are shameful
• It doesn’t help with regulation
• It damages connection

“You’re fine” fails because:

• The child doesn’t feel fine
• It invalidates their reality
• It teaches not to trust their feelings
• It misses teaching opportunity

Distraction fails because:

• It doesn’t build emotional skills
• It teaches avoidance, not coping
• The emotion returns unresolved
• The child never learns to regulate

Understanding why these fail helps parents commit to the harder work of emotion coaching. 💡

The “Meta-Emotion” Concept Is Illuminating

Gottman introduces “meta-emotion”—how you feel about feelings:

“Your emotional philosophy—how you think and feel about emotions—shapes how you respond to your child’s emotions.”

Parents raised to dismiss emotions tend to dismiss their children’s emotions. Parents raised in disapproving homes often disapprove of their children’s feelings. The pattern transmits across generations.

Becoming aware of your own meta-emotion allows you to choose differently. You can break the pattern by examining it. 🪞

It Distinguishes Feelings from Behavior

A crucial distinction many parents miss:

“All feelings are acceptable. Not all behaviors are acceptable.”

This means:

• “You’re angry” → acceptable feeling
• “Hitting your sister” → unacceptable behavior

Emotion coaching response:
“You’re really angry at your sister. It makes sense—she took your toy. Being angry is okay. Hitting is not okay. What else could you do when you’re this angry?”

Children can feel anything. They can’t do anything. This distinction allows validation without permissiveness. ⚖️

The Outcome Data Is Compelling

Gottman’s research shows emotion-coached children:

• Have better emotional regulation
• Perform better academically
• Have stronger peer relationships
• Experience fewer behavioral problems
• Have better physical health
• Show greater resilience under stress

These outcomes persist over time. Emotional intelligence built in childhood predicts adult functioning. The investment pays dividends for decades. 📊

It Provides Scripts for Common Situations

Beyond theory, Gottman offers specific language:

For sadness:
“You look really sad. Did something happen? Tell me about it.”

For anger:
“I can see you’re furious right now. What’s making you so angry?”

For fear:
“That sounds really scary. What’s the scariest part for you?”

For frustration:
“This is really frustrating. You’ve been trying so hard.”

Having words ready makes emotion coaching possible in real moments. 📝

It Addresses When Emotion Coaching Isn’t Enough

Gottman honestly discusses limitations:

“Emotion coaching is powerful, but it’s not sufficient for all situations.”

When more is needed:

• Clinical anxiety or depression
• Trauma requiring professional help
• Neurodevelopmental differences
• Persistent struggles despite consistent coaching

What to do:

• Seek professional evaluation
• Combine emotion coaching with therapy
• Adapt approach for specific needs
• Don’t blame yourself if coaching alone doesn’t resolve clinical issues

This honesty helps parents know when to seek additional help. 🏥

The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬

It Requires Significant Parental Regulation

Emotion coaching requires you to stay calm while your child is dysregulated:

“You cannot coach emotions you’re flooded by yourself.”

But when your child is screaming, raging, or saying horrible things, staying regulated is incredibly difficult. The book acknowledges this but the gap between knowing and doing is vast.

Dysregulated parents can’t emotion coach. And parents get dysregulated—it’s inevitable. 😤

Some Moments Don’t Allow Full Coaching

The five steps take time. Some situations don’t allow that:

• Running late in the morning
• Public meltdowns requiring immediate management
• Safety situations needing quick action
• Multiple children needing attention simultaneously

Gottman addresses adaptations, but real life often doesn’t accommodate full emotion coaching conversations. ⏰

The Academic Tone May Overwhelm

Gottman is a researcher, and it shows:

• Research descriptions in detail
• Technical language at times
• Dense presentation of concepts
• Less accessible than some parenting books

Parents seeking quick, practical guidance may find the research-heavy approach demanding. 📚

Temperament Gets Limited Attention

Some children are temperamentally more emotionally intense:

• Highly sensitive children
• Children with ADHD or autism
• Anxious temperaments
• High-reactive children

Emotion coaching principles apply, but these children may need adapted approaches. One-size emotion coaching doesn’t fit all nervous systems. 🧠

Cultural Considerations Are Minimal

Emotional expression norms vary across cultures:

• Some cultures value emotional restraint
• Gender expectations differ culturally
• Family emotional styles vary
• What’s “appropriate” expression differs

Gottman’s research primarily reflects Western, educated populations. Other cultural contexts may require adaptation. 🌍

The Partner Alignment Challenge

Emotion coaching works best with consistency. But:

• Partners often have different meta-emotions
• Disagreement about emotional expression is common
• One parent coaching while one dismisses creates confusion
• Extended family may undermine approach

Getting everyone aligned on emotion coaching is challenging. The book doesn’t fully address navigating disagreement. 👫

It Can Feel Like Another Thing to Perfect

“Emotion coaching” can become another parenting performance metric:

• “Did I coach that correctly?”
• “Am I validating enough?”
• “Was that step three or step four?”

The pressure to emotion coach perfectly can undermine the authentic connection emotion coaching requires. 😰

The Clever Comparison 🏆

If parenting approaches to emotions were responses to a child’s scraped knee:

Dismissing: “You’re fine, it’s just a scratch. Stop crying.” 🩹

Disapproving: “I told you not to run! Now look what happened. Stop making such a fuss.”

Laissez-faire: “Oh no! Cry as much as you need! Let it all out!” (but no bandage or comfort)

Emotion coaching: “Ouch, that really hurts! Scraping your knee is painful. It’s okay to cry—that hurt a lot. Let’s clean it up together and get a bandage. What happened?” 💕

Same injury, dramatically different experiences for the child—and different lessons learned about emotions and relationships.

Who Is This For? 🎯

Perfect if you:

• Want research-backed approaches to emotional development
• Recognize you dismiss or disapprove of emotions
• Want to build your child’s emotional intelligence intentionally
• Appreciate understanding the “why” behind strategies
• Are willing to examine your own emotional patterns
• Have capacity for a substantial, thoughtful read
• Want skills that produce documented long-term benefits
• Seek to break intergenerational patterns around emotions

Not ideal if you:

• Need immediate crisis management strategies
• Prefer brief, quick-reference parenting guides
• Have children with clinical needs requiring professional help
• Are currently too dysregulated yourself to coach others
• Want culturally specific approaches
• Seek guidance on non-emotional parenting challenges
• Prefer less academic presentation

Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson: Brain-based approach to emotional development. Similar philosophy, more accessible presentation, neuroscience framing. Excellent complement or alternative. 🏆

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish: Practical communication strategies including emotional validation. More conversational, highly actionable, less research-heavy.

No-Drama Discipline by Siegel & Bryson: Connects emotional attunement to discipline. Explains how connection before correction works practically.

Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett: From the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. Comprehensive approach to emotional intelligence for whole family. Highly practical.

Emotion-Focused Family Therapy by Adele Lafrance: For families needing therapeutic-level emotional support. Professional but applicable.

Self-Reg by Stuart Shanker: Focuses specifically on self-regulation development. Complementary approach with different emphasis. 📚

The Five Steps In Action 🎬

Seeing emotion coaching applied helps implementation:

Scenario: Child upset about losing a game

Step 1: Notice the emotion
You see your child’s face fall, shoulders slump, eyes well up. You recognize disappointment and frustration.

Step 2: See this as opportunity
Instead of dreading the tears, you think: “This is a chance to connect and help them learn about handling disappointment.”

Step 3: Listen and validate
“You look really disappointed. You wanted to win that game so badly.”

Child: “It’s not fair! I always lose!”

“It feels so unfair when you try hard and still don’t win. That’s really frustrating.”

Step 4: Label the emotions
“So you’re feeling disappointed about losing, frustrated because you tried hard, and maybe a little embarrassed too?”

Child: “Yeah… everyone saw me lose.”

“Ah, so there’s some embarrassment there too. Those are a lot of big feelings at once.”

Step 5: Set limits and problem-solve
“It’s totally okay to feel disappointed. Throwing the game pieces isn’t okay because it could break them. What might help you feel better? And what could you try differently next time?”

Child: “Maybe I could practice more…”

“That’s a great idea. And how do you want to handle the disappointment right now?”

The result: Child feels understood, learns emotional vocabulary, develops coping strategy, maintains connection with parent. 💕

The Meta-Emotion Examination 🪞

Gottman emphasizes examining your own relationship with emotions:

Questions to ask yourself:

About sadness:

• How was sadness handled in my childhood home?
• Do I feel comfortable when my child is sad?
• What do I believe about expressing sadness?

About anger:

• What did I learn about anger growing up?
• Does my child’s anger trigger my own?
• Do I see anger as dangerous or acceptable?

About fear:

• Was fear dismissed or validated in my family?
• How do I respond when my child is scared?
• Do I believe in “toughening up”?

About joy:

• Was enthusiasm celebrated or suppressed?
• Can I match my child’s excitement?
• Does intense joy make me uncomfortable?

Why this matters:
Your automatic responses to your child’s emotions come from your own emotional history. Awareness creates choice. You can parent differently than you were parented—but only if you see the pattern first. 💡

The Regulation Foundation 🧘

Gottman acknowledges that emotion coaching requires parental regulation:

“When you’re emotionally flooded, you cannot coach. You must first regulate yourself.”

Signs you’re flooded:

• Heart racing
• Difficulty thinking clearly
• Urge to yell or withdraw
• Feeling overwhelmed or out of control
• Physical tension

What to do when flooded:

• Take a break if possible: “I need a minute to calm down”
• Breathe slowly and deliberately
• Ground yourself physically
• Return to coaching when regulated
• Model repair: “I was too upset to help. I’m calmer now. Let’s try again.”

Preventing flooding:

• Monitor your own emotional state
• Take breaks before reaching flood point
• Address your own stress and needs
• Know your triggers

You can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t coach from a flooded brain. Your regulation comes first—not selfishly, but necessarily. 💪

The Age Adaptations 📈

Emotion coaching looks different across development:

Infants (0-1):

• Respond to emotional cues
• Soothe distress consistently
• Mirror positive emotions
• Build foundation of emotional attunement

Toddlers (1-3):

• Begin labeling emotions simply: “You’re mad!”
• Connect feelings to situations: “You’re sad because we have to leave”
• Set limits gently on behavior
• Use picture books about feelings

Preschoolers (3-5):

• Expand emotional vocabulary
• Discuss characters’ feelings in stories
• Practice simple regulation strategies
• Coach in the moment more fully

School age (6-12):

• More sophisticated emotion discussions
• Problem-solve collaboratively
• Respect increasing privacy around feelings
• Connect emotions to values and choices

Adolescents (13+):

• Listen more, advise less
• Respect their emotional process
• Stay available without pushing
• Coach when invited, support always

The principles stay constant. The application evolves. 🎯

The Research Highlights 📊

Key findings from Gottman’s studies:

Academic performance:

• Emotion-coached children had higher achievement
• Better ability to focus and concentrate
• More persistence through frustration
• Teachers rated them more academically capable

Social competence:

• Better peer relationships
• More skilled at reading others’ emotions
• Less aggressive behavior
• More popular with classmates

Physical health:

• Lower stress hormone levels
• Fewer illnesses
• Better immune function
• Healthier stress responses

Emotional regulation:

• Faster recovery from upset
• Better ability to self-soothe
• More emotional awareness
• Greater resilience under stress

Behavior problems:

• Fewer behavior issues at school
• Less aggression and defiance
• Better impulse control
• Fewer discipline referrals

The data is clear: how parents handle children’s emotions shapes outcomes across multiple domains for years. 📈

The Common Mistakes ❌

Gottman identifies where parents go wrong:

Rushing to problem-solve:
Jumping to solutions before emotions are processed. Children can’t problem-solve while emotionally flooded. Validation must come first.

Lecturing during emotional moments:
Teaching when the child can’t learn. Emotional brains don’t process logic well. Wait until calm for lessons.

Dismissing “small” emotions:
Deciding which feelings merit attention. All emotions feel big to the child experiencing them. Size is subjective.

Matching their intensity:
Getting angry at their anger, anxious at their anxiety. This escalates rather than regulates. Stay calm to help them find calm.

Conditional acceptance:
“I’ll listen when you calm down.” This teaches emotions must be suppressed to receive attention. Accept the feeling; address the behavior.

Fixing instead of feeling:
Immediately trying to solve the problem. Sometimes children need to feel heard more than helped. Ask what they need. 💭

The Final Verdict 🏅

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child offers one of the most research-backed, practically applicable approaches to emotional development available. Gottman’s laboratory research provides confidence that emotion coaching actually works—not just in theory but in measured outcomes tracked over years.

The five steps are clear enough to remember and apply. The distinction between accepting feelings and setting limits on behavior resolves the false choice between permissiveness and authoritarianism. The meta-emotion exploration helps parents understand their own patterns and choose differently.

However, the book demands parental regulation that’s genuinely difficult when you’re triggered, tired, or overwhelmed. The academic tone may be challenging for some readers. And emotion coaching alone won’t resolve clinical issues or fit all temperaments perfectly.

The ideal approach: absorb Gottman’s framework, practice the five steps in calm moments first, develop your own regulation capacity alongside coaching skills, and seek additional support for challenges beyond typical emotional development.

Your response to your child’s emotions isn’t just about getting through the moment. It’s shaping their emotional architecture for life—their ability to understand themselves, regulate their reactions, connect with others, and navigate an emotionally complex world.

Every emotional moment is a teaching moment. Every response you offer teaches something. Emotion coaching ensures that what you teach builds emotional intelligence rather than emotional suppression or chaos.

The feelings will come regardless. What you do with them determines everything else. 🧠✨

How do you typically respond to your child’s big emotions? Have you noticed patterns from your own childhood showing up? Share your experiences with emotion coaching—the successes and the struggles!