Parenting with Presence by Susan Stiffelman: A Deep Dive Review

A review from someone who thought parenting challenges were about the kids—and discovered they were invitations to wake up

You’ve read the parenting books.

You know about positive discipline. You understand the importance of connection. You’ve learned about brain development, emotional validation, and collaborative problem-solving.

And yet.

You still lose your temper. You still get triggered by the same behaviors, over and over. You still find yourself saying things you swore you’d never say—sounding exactly like your own parents. You still lie awake at night wondering why you can’t just be the parent you want to be.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: you don’t have a parenting problem. You have a presence problem.

The techniques aren’t working because techniques require a regulated, present human to implement them. And most of the time, you’re not present. You’re lost in worry about the future. Trapped in patterns from the past. Triggered into reactivity. Anywhere but here, with this child, in this moment.

Susan Stiffelman’s Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids offers something different from typical parenting books. It’s not about what to do with your kids. It’s about who you need to become. It’s about using the challenges of parenting as a path to your own awakening—and discovering that your transformation is the greatest gift you can give your children.

It’s parenting as spiritual practice. But is it practical enough to help real families? Let’s find out.

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What Is This Book? 🤔

Parenting with Presence combines practical parenting guidance with mindfulness practices and spiritual wisdom. Susan Stiffelman, a licensed marriage and family therapist and longtime educator, draws on her experience with thousands of families—as well as her study with spiritual teachers including Eckhart Tolle—to present parenting as a path to consciousness.

The format:

Philosophical framework for conscious parenting
Personal stories and clinical examples
Mindfulness practices for parents
Practical strategies for common challenges
Reflection questions and exercises
Contributions from guest experts
Chapter-end practices and summaries

The core thesis:

Most parenting struggles stem not from children’s behavior but from parents’ unconsciousness—our reactivity, projections, unhealed wounds, and absence from the present moment. The path to better parenting isn’t more techniques; it’s greater presence.

When we’re present—truly here, now, with our child as they actually are—we naturally know what to do. We respond rather than react. We see clearly rather than through the fog of our conditioning. We become the calm, loving, wise parents we want to be.

The coverage:

Becoming the captain of the ship (parental authority through presence)
Managing resistance and opposition
Helping children cope with disappointment
Dealing with anger and aggression
Navigating technology and media
Fostering self-esteem and resilience
Parenting through divorce and blended families
Supporting anxious children
The parent’s own inner work

The key principles:

Parenting is primarily about the parent’s growth, not behavior management
Presence is the foundation of effective parenting
Children trigger our unfinished business—and that’s the gift
Acceptance precedes change—for children and parents alike
You must fill your own cup before you can pour into your child’s

It’s the parenting book that starts with you. 📖

The Good Stuff ✅

The “Captain of the Ship” Metaphor Is Powerful

Authority through presence, not force:

The metaphor:
Stiffelman describes parents as the captain of the family ship. The captain doesn’t negotiate with passengers about whether there are storms or which direction to sail. The captain calmly navigates whatever conditions arise.

The problem:
Many parents have become “co-pilots” or even “passengers” in their own families—negotiating endlessly, explaining constantly, seeking children’s approval for decisions.

The alternative:
When you’re solidly in the captain’s chair—calm, clear, connected to your authority—children relax. They don’t need to run the ship. They can be kids.

The distinction:
This isn’t authoritarian control. It’s grounded leadership. The captain is calm, not angry. Confident, not defensive. In charge, not controlling.

The indicators of captain energy:

You make decisions without excessive justification
You stay calm when children push back
You don’t need children to agree with your decisions
You’re comfortable with their disappointment
You remain warm even while holding boundaries

The indicators of lost captain energy:

You find yourself arguing, defending, negotiating
You get hooked by children’s emotional reactions
You need their validation of your decisions
You feel destabilized by their resistance
You swing between permissiveness and harsh control

The return:
When you notice you’ve lost captain energy, you can return. Pause. Breathe. Remember who’s steering this ship. Re-inhabit your authority.

Powerful framework for confident authority. 🎯

Triggers as Teachers

Your reactivity reveals your work:

The insight:
When your child’s behavior triggers intense emotion in you—rage, despair, panic—that’s information. The intensity doesn’t come from the situation. It comes from something unresolved in you.

The invitation:
Instead of “Why does my child do this to me?” try “What is this situation revealing about my own unfinished business?”

The examples:

You rage when your child lies:
Perhaps you learned that lying was catastrophically dangerous. Perhaps your trust was betrayed. Perhaps you carry deep shame about your own dishonesty.

You panic when your child struggles socially:
Perhaps you were excluded or bullied. Perhaps your belonging feels tied to your child’s social success. Perhaps your old wounds are being activated.

You despair when your child resists learning:
Perhaps your identity is wrapped up in achievement. Perhaps you fear failure more than you realized. Perhaps your child’s struggle feels like your failure.

The work:
When you understand why you’re triggered, you can address the root cause—in yourself—rather than just reacting to the child.

The transformation:
As you heal your own wounds, you become less reactive. You can respond to your child’s actual situation rather than your projected fears.

The gift:
Children, by triggering us, show us exactly where we need to grow. They’re our most effective therapists.

Triggers as growth opportunities. ✨

Acceptance Before Change

Stop fighting reality:

The principle:
Before you can help anything change, you must first accept what is. Fighting against reality—insisting your child should be different than they are—creates suffering and prevents progress.

The distinction:
Acceptance doesn’t mean approval or giving up. It means acknowledging what’s true without adding suffering through resistance.

The application:

Your child struggles academically:

Resistance: “This shouldn’t be happening. He’s so smart. If he’d just try harder…”
Acceptance: “This is where he is right now. Let me understand his actual situation and what might help.”

Your child is anxious:

Resistance: “She needs to just get over it. The world isn’t going to accommodate her anxiety.”
Acceptance: “She experiences significant anxiety. This is real for her. How can I support her from here?”

Your child is defiant:

Resistance: “He shouldn’t talk to me like that. I won’t tolerate this disrespect.”
Acceptance: “He’s communicating something through this behavior. What’s actually going on?”

The paradox:
When you stop fighting against what is, change becomes possible. Your child feels accepted—and from that security, they can grow.

The practice:
Notice when you’re arguing with reality. “This shouldn’t be happening.” “He should know better.” “Why can’t she just…” These are signs of resistance. Return to acceptance.

Acceptance enables change. 💪

The Parent’s Inner Work Is Centered

You can’t give what you don’t have:

The priority:
Stiffelman is clear: the most important parenting work is inner work. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot offer presence when you’re absent. You cannot give peace when you’re at war within yourself.

The practices:
The book includes mindfulness practices for parents:

Meditation and stillness
Body awareness and grounding
Breath practices
Self-compassion exercises
Journaling and reflection
Working with thoughts and emotions

The integration:
These aren’t separate from parenting—they ARE parenting. The more present and regulated you become, the better you parent automatically.

The modeling:
Children learn more from who you are than what you say. A parent who practices presence teaches presence. A parent who manages emotions well teaches emotional regulation.

The permission:
Taking time for your own wellbeing isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Caring for yourself IS caring for your children.

The ripple effect:
As you become calmer, more present, and more grounded, your entire family system shifts. Children co-regulate with regulated parents.

Inner work as foundational. 🌟

Guest Expert Contributions Add Depth

Wisdom from multiple perspectives:

The format:
Each chapter includes contributions from guest experts—teachers, authors, and practitioners in related fields.

The contributors include:

Eckhart Tolle (presence and consciousness)
Byron Katie (questioning thoughts)
Marci Shimoff (happiness and self-worth)
Wendy Mogel (resilience and imperfection)
Dan Siegel (brain science and attachment)
Tim Ryan (mindfulness)
Katherine Woodward Thomas (conscious relationships)

The richness:
Each contributor adds their unique perspective, creating a multi-faceted exploration of conscious parenting.

The variety:
Different voices resonate with different readers. The variety increases the chances something will speak to you.

The credibility:
The experts lend weight to Stiffelman’s approach and connect it to broader movements in psychology and spirituality.

Expert contributions add depth. 🛡️

Practical Alongside Spiritual

Not just philosophy—actual guidance:

The balance:
While deeply spiritual, the book doesn’t abandon practicality. Stiffelman offers concrete guidance on real parenting challenges.

The coverage includes:

Technology and screens:

How to set boundaries without constant battles
Understanding what kids are seeking online
Creating tech-healthy family cultures

Homework and school:

When to help and when to step back
Supporting struggling students
Navigating school relationships

Sibling conflict:

Understanding the dynamics
When to intervene
Fostering healthy relationships

Divorce and blended families:

Supporting children through transitions
Co-parenting with presence
Building new family structures

Anxiety and fear:

Understanding anxious children
What helps and what doesn’t
Building resilience through acceptance

The integration:
Practical guidance is integrated with presence practices. You’re not just learning what to do—you’re becoming someone who naturally knows what to do.

Practical and spiritual combined. 📝

The Emphasis on Self-Compassion

Kindness toward yourself:

The necessity:
You will mess up. You will lose presence. You will react when you meant to respond. This is guaranteed.

The response:
Self-criticism doesn’t help. It just adds suffering to suffering. Self-compassion allows learning without shame.

The practice:
When you notice you’ve reacted unconsciously:

Pause and acknowledge what happened
Offer yourself compassion (“This is hard. I’m learning.”)
Repair with your child if needed
Reflect without judgment on what triggered you
Return to presence

The modeling:
How you treat yourself when you fail teaches your children how to treat themselves when they fail.

The permission:
You don’t have to be a perfect parent. You have to be a growing parent—one who keeps returning to presence, again and again.

The humanity:
Stiffelman normalizes struggle. Her own stories of imperfection make the path feel accessible.

Self-compassion emphasized throughout. 🧠

Dealing with Disappointment

One of parenting’s hardest tasks:

The challenge:
Helping children cope with disappointment—without rescuing them from it—is essential for building resilience.

The problem:
Many parents either:

Rush to fix, rescue, or prevent disappointment
Dismiss feelings: “It’s not a big deal”
Lecture: “This is why you should have…”
Become overwhelmed by children’s distress

Stiffelman’s approach:

Allow the disappointment to exist
Be present with your child’s pain without fixing
Empathize without amplifying
Resist the urge to lecture or problem-solve immediately
Trust your child’s ability to process and recover

The presence required:
This is hard. Sitting with your child’s pain without fixing requires your own regulation. You must tolerate discomfort.

The gift:
Children who are allowed to feel disappointment—with a present, supportive parent—develop the capacity to handle disappointment independently.

The message:
“You can feel this. I’m here with you. You’ll be okay.”

Disappointment navigation well-addressed. 💬

The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬

Can Feel Overwhelming

So much inner work:

The scope:
The book asks a lot. Meditation practice. Shadow work. Trigger investigation. Thought inquiry. Self-compassion practice. AND practical parenting.

The effect:
Parents already overwhelmed may feel more overwhelmed. “Now I have to become enlightened AND pack school lunches?”

The risk:
The high bar can trigger shame rather than growth. “I’m not only a bad parent—I’m also unconscious.”

The missing:
More acknowledgment of how to start small, implement gradually, and be okay with imperfect progress.

The permission needed:
You can take one practice, one insight, one shift at a time. You don’t have to transform overnight.

Can feel overwhelming. 😬

Privilege and Resources Assumed

Not everyone’s circumstances:

The assumption:
The book assumes readers have time for meditation, resources for self-care, and stability to do inner work.

The reality:
Many parents are in survival mode—working multiple jobs, dealing with housing insecurity, managing mental health crises, facing violence or instability.

The gap:
How do you practice presence when your basic needs aren’t met? When you’re genuinely unsafe? When you have no support?

The missing:
More acknowledgment of structural barriers and adaptation for challenging circumstances.

The limitation:
The advice may feel inaccessible—even insulting—to parents whose struggles are primarily material, not psychological.

Significant privilege assumed. 😬

Spiritual Framework Won’t Fit Everyone

Not a universal language:

The foundation:
Stiffelman’s approach is explicitly spiritual, drawing on mindfulness traditions and teachers like Eckhart Tolle.

The language:
Terms like “presence,” “consciousness,” “awakening,” and “ego” are used throughout.

The barrier:
Secular readers, or those from different spiritual traditions, may find the framework alienating.

The assumption:
The book assumes openness to or familiarity with contemporary spirituality.

The missing:
More translation for readers who don’t connect with spiritual language.

The limitation:
This narrows the potential audience significantly.

Spiritual framework may not resonate. 😬

Limited Age-Specific Guidance

Different stages need different approaches:

The generality:
The book offers principles and approaches that apply broadly, but limited age-specific guidance.

The gap:
Parenting a toddler with presence looks different from parenting a teenager with presence. The book doesn’t fully explore these differences.

The examples:
While examples span ages, the application of concepts to different developmental stages could be deeper.

The supplement:
Parents may need additional age-specific resources alongside this book.

Limited developmental specificity. 🚩

Some Situations Require More Than Presence

When presence isn’t enough:

The limitation:
Presence is powerful, but some situations require specialized intervention:

Serious mental health conditions
Trauma responses
Neurodevelopmental differences
Family crisis situations

The gap:
The book doesn’t adequately differentiate between situations where presence is the primary answer and situations requiring professional help.

The risk:
Parents might try to “presence” their way through problems that need clinical intervention.

The missing:
Clearer guidance on when to seek additional support.

Presence not always sufficient. 😬

The Partner Problem

When you’re not aligned:

The challenge:
Conscious parenting is harder when your co-parent isn’t on board—or actively undermines the approach.

The gap:
Limited guidance on navigating fundamental differences in parenting philosophy.

The questions:

What if your partner thinks this is “too soft”?
How do you maintain presence when your partner loses it?
How do you protect children from inconsistent approaches?

The missing:
More robust guidance for partners who aren’t aligned.

Partner alignment underaddressed. 😬

Can Enable Avoidance of Practical Challenges

When inner work becomes escape:

The risk:
Focusing on consciousness can become a way to avoid practical parenting challenges. “I’m working on my presence” while homework doesn’t get done and bedtimes slip.

The balance:
Inner work AND practical parenting are both necessary. Neither substitutes for the other.

The missing:
More integration of consciousness with practical, structured parenting.

The grounding:
Presence should enhance practical parenting, not replace it.

Can enable avoidance of practical issues. 📉

Writing Can Be Dense

Not always accessible:

The style:
Stiffelman’s writing, while warm, can be dense with concepts and layers.

The effect:
Some readers may find it slow-going or hard to follow.

The preference:
Readers wanting quick, practical guidance may be frustrated.

The solution:
Take the book slowly. Focus on one chapter at a time. Let it marinate.

Dense writing at times. 📉

Who Is This For? 🎯

Perfect if you:

Are drawn to spiritual approaches to life
Recognize that your own reactivity is the core problem
Want to use parenting as a path to personal growth
Have capacity for meditation and inner work
Are willing to examine your own wounds and patterns
Appreciate philosophy alongside practical guidance
Feel that conventional parenting books are missing something essential
Want to become a different kind of parent, not just learn techniques

Not ideal if you:

Want purely practical, technique-focused guidance
Are in crisis and need immediate intervention strategies
Aren’t drawn to spiritual frameworks
Don’t have time or capacity for inner work currently
Need age-specific or situation-specific guidance
Have a partner fundamentally opposed to this approach
Are looking for quick behavioral solutions

Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄

The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary: Similar philosophy, different voice. Dr. Shefali’s approach is more explicitly about ego dissolution and children as spiritual teachers. Read both for a full picture. 🏆

Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell: Focuses on how parents’ own attachment history affects their parenting. More neuroscience, less spirituality, similar depth.

The Awakened Family by Dr. Shefali Tsabary: Dr. Shefali’s more practical follow-up to The Conscious Parent. More accessible than her first book.

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham: Connection-based parenting with more practical guidance. Good complement if you want more “how-to.”

No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Practical discipline guidance grounded in brain science. More structured than Stiffelman.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: The classic communication guide. More practical, less spiritual. Essential complement.

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle: Not a parenting book, but the foundational text for presence. If you connect with Stiffelman’s spiritual framework, this is essential reading. 📚

The Final Verdict 🏅

Parenting with Presence offers something rare: a parenting book that takes seriously the idea that your own consciousness is the primary parenting issue. Stiffelman doesn’t just teach techniques—she invites transformation.

The “captain of the ship” framework provides grounded authority without authoritarianism. The exploration of triggers as teachers transforms frustration into growth opportunity. The emphasis on acceptance before change prevents the exhausting battle against reality. And the integration of practical guidance with spiritual practice creates a comprehensive approach.

For parents who sense that the problem isn’t really about their kids—who notice that they keep reacting from old wounds, who feel disconnected from their own wisdom, who want parenting to be a path to awakening—this book offers a profound map.

However, the approach requires significant capacity. Inner work takes time and resources not all parents have. The spiritual framework won’t resonate with everyone. Practical guidance, while present, isn’t the focus. And some situations require more than presence can provide.

The useful parts:

Captain of the ship framework for grounded authority
Triggers as teachers for personal growth
Acceptance before change prevents suffering
Parent’s inner work prioritized
Guest expert contributions add depth
Practical alongside spiritual
Self-compassion emphasized throughout
Disappointment navigation well-addressed

The problematic parts:

Can feel overwhelming
Privilege and resources assumed
Spiritual framework won’t fit everyone
Limited age-specific guidance
Presence not always sufficient
Partner alignment underaddressed
Can enable avoidance of practical challenges
Dense writing at times

The best approach: Start with your own presence practice. Even five minutes of stillness daily changes everything. Then pick one concept that resonates—captain of the ship, triggers as teachers, acceptance—and work with it for weeks before adding more. Let the book be a companion you return to rather than a checklist to complete. And pair it with more practical resources for specific parenting challenges.

The bottom line: Parenting with Presence asks a question most parenting books avoid: Who do you need to become?

Not what technique should you use. Not how should you discipline. Not what words should you say. But who must you be to parent well?

The answer: present. Awake. Here. Now. With this child, as they actually are. Not lost in fear about the future. Not trapped in wounds from the past. Not reacting from programming. But responding from presence.

This is the hardest thing you’ll ever do. And the most rewarding.

Your children didn’t come to you by accident. They came to wake you up. To show you where you’re still unconscious. To invite you into greater presence, deeper healing, fuller humanity.

You can resist this invitation—fighting against who they are, wishing they were different, trying to control outcomes. Or you can accept it—using every trigger, every challenge, every difficult moment as an opportunity to grow.

The choice is yours. And it’s made fresh in every moment.

Presence isn’t something you achieve once. It’s something you return to, again and again. You’ll lose it. You’ll find it. You’ll lose it again. That’s the practice.

Your children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a present one. One who keeps waking up. One who keeps returning. One who uses the sacred challenge of parenting to become more fully human.

That’s what this book offers. Not perfection. Not techniques. But a path home—to yourself, to your child, to this moment.

The only moment where parenting actually happens. 🙏💙✨

Did Parenting with Presence change how you approach your own inner work? What practices have helped you become more present? Where do you still struggle? Share your experience below!

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