How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber: A Deep Dive Review

A review from someone who said “How many times do I have to tell you?!” approximately seven thousand times before realizing the answer was: it doesn’t matter how many times if you’re saying it wrong

You’ve tried explaining. You’ve tried reasoning. You’ve tried bribing, threatening, and pleading. You’ve repeated yourself until you’ve lost your voice and your mind.

And still, your child doesn’t listen.

Or maybe they listen—but you don’t know how to respond when they’re angry, hurt, or scared. You say “Don’t feel that way” or “You’re fine” or “It’s not a big deal,” and somehow that makes everything worse.

Communication with children shouldn’t be this hard. You’re a functional adult who communicates successfully with other humans all day. Why does talking to a four-foot-tall person who shares your DNA feel like negotiating with a tiny, irrational terrorist?

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk has been answering this question since 1980. It’s sold over 4 million copies, been translated into dozens of languages, and become one of those rare parenting books that actually gets passed from parent to parent with genuine enthusiasm.

The promise: learn to talk so your kids actually hear you, and listen so your kids actually talk to you. No manipulation. No tricks. Just communication that actually works.

After forty-plus years, does it still hold up? Let’s find out.

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What Is This Book? 🤔

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk grew out of parenting workshops Faber and Mazlish ran based on the work of psychologist Haim Ginott. It’s fundamentally about respectful communication—treating children as full human beings whose feelings matter.

The book covers six core skills:

Helping children deal with their feelings — Acknowledging emotions instead of dismissing them
Engaging cooperation — Getting kids to help without nagging or threatening
Alternatives to punishment — Discipline that teaches without damaging
Encouraging autonomy — Raising capable, independent humans
Using praise effectively — Descriptive praise vs. evaluative praise
Freeing children from roles — Not trapping kids in labels like “the difficult one”

Each chapter includes cartoons illustrating concepts, exercises to practice, and real-world examples from parents who’ve used the techniques.

The format is practical, accessible, and designed for exhausted parents who need tools they can use today. 📖

The Good Stuff ✅

Acknowledging Feelings Is Transformative

The book’s foundation—and its most powerful concept:

The problem:
When children express emotions, our instinct is to fix, dismiss, or minimize:

“You’re fine.”
“Don’t be sad.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“There’s nothing to be scared of.”
“Stop crying.”

What this teaches:
Your feelings are wrong. Don’t trust them. Don’t share them with me.

The alternative:
Simply acknowledge what they’re feeling. Name it. Accept it.

Example transformation:

Child: “I hate my brother! He’s the worst!”

Dismissing response: “No you don’t. You love your brother.”

Acknowledging response: “Wow, you’re really mad at him right now.”

Why this works:
Children (like adults) need to feel heard before they can move on. When we dismiss their feelings, they dig in deeper. When we acknowledge feelings, they often release and move forward.

The revelation:
You don’t have to agree with the feeling. You don’t have to fix the problem. You just have to acknowledge that the feeling exists and is valid.

This single concept changes everything. 🎯

The Scripts Are Immediately Usable

Unlike books that offer philosophy without practice, this one gives you actual words:

For acknowledging feelings:

“That sounds frustrating.”
“Oh no, that must have hurt.”
“You seem really disappointed.”
“I can see how upset you are.”

For engaging cooperation:

“I see toys on the floor.” (Instead of “Clean up your toys!”)
“The bathroom light is still on.” (Instead of “Turn off the light!”)
“Coats belong in the closet.” (Instead of “Hang up your coat!”)

For giving information:

“Milk turns sour when it’s not refrigerated.” (Instead of “Put the milk away!”)
“Walls are not for drawing on.” (Instead of “Stop drawing on the wall!”)

For offering choices:

“Would you like to brush teeth before or after pajamas?”
“Do you want to walk to the car or hop like a bunny?”

Why scripts help:
When you’re tired, triggered, and frustrated, having pre-loaded language saves you from saying things you’ll regret. You don’t have to think—you just deploy the script.

Words for when your brain has none. ✨

“Describe, Don’t Evaluate” Changes Praise

The book’s approach to praise is ahead of its time:

Evaluative praise:

“Good job!”
“You’re so smart!”
“Beautiful painting!”
“You’re the best!”

The problems:

Creates dependence on external validation
Can feel hollow or manipulative
Doesn’t tell children what they did well
Can create pressure to maintain the label

Descriptive praise:

“You put your shoes on all by yourself!”
“I see you used three different colors in your painting.”
“You kept working on that puzzle even when it was hard.”
“You shared your snack with your sister without being asked.”

Why this works:
Descriptive praise tells children specifically what they did well. It helps them see themselves accurately. They can then give themselves credit, rather than needing you to validate them constantly.

The shift:
Instead of evaluating from above (“Good job!”), describe what you observe. Let them draw their own conclusions about what it means.

This is the same insight Alfie Kohn later elaborates in Unconditional Parenting—but more practical. 💪

Alternatives to Punishment Make Sense

The book challenges punishment without becoming permissive:

The punishment problems:

Children focus on resentment, not learning
It models that power controls
It damages the relationship
It often doesn’t change behavior long-term

The alternatives offered:

Express your feelings strongly:
“I’m furious that my clean floor is covered in mud!”

State expectations:
“I expect the muddy boots to stay outside.”

Show how to make amends:
“What this floor needs is a good mopping.”

Offer a choice:
“You can walk around the mud or take off your boots at the door. You decide.”

Take action (without insult):
“I’m putting the muddy boots in the garage. You can get them when you’re ready to keep them outside.”

Natural consequences vs. punishment:
The book distinguishes between natural consequences (logical results of behavior) and punishment (imposed suffering to teach a lesson). Natural consequences teach; punishment breeds resentment.

The result:
Children learn without the relationship being damaged. Limits are maintained with dignity.

Firm and kind. 🌟

Problem-Solving Together Builds Capable Kids

The book offers a collaborative approach to recurring issues:

The process:

Acknowledge the child’s feelings and needs
State your feelings and needs
Brainstorm solutions together
Write down all ideas without judgment
Review and decide what you’ll try
Follow up

Example: Morning chaos

Step 1: “I know it’s hard to get ready fast in the morning when you’re still sleepy.”

Step 2: “I get really stressed when we’re late for school.”

Step 3: “Let’s think of ideas that might help both of us.”

Ideas: Wake up earlier. Prepare clothes the night before. Eat breakfast in the car. Use a timer. Skip breakfast. (Write them all, even silly ones.)

Step 4: Cross out what won’t work for either of you.

Step 5: Try what’s left.

Why this works:
Children who help create solutions are invested in making them work. They feel respected and capable. The problem becomes “ours” not “yours.”

The long-term benefit:
You’re teaching problem-solving skills they’ll use for life. 🛡️

It Addresses Sibling Conflict Wisely

For parents drowning in “He hit me!” and “She looked at me!”, the book offers sanity:

What not to do:

Take sides
Play judge and jury
Compare children
Force apologies or sharing

What to do instead:

Acknowledge both children’s feelings:
“You’re both really angry at each other.”

Reflect both points of view:
“So you wanted to keep playing with it, and you were waiting for your turn.”

Express confidence in their ability to solve it:
“I’m sure you two can figure out a solution that works for both of you.”

Leave (if safe):
Remove your audience. Many conflicts resolve when parents aren’t watching.

For physical fights:
“I see two kids who are very angry. It’s not safe to be together right now. Quick separation time.”

The philosophy:
Most sibling conflict is about parental attention. When you refuse to referee, the incentive for performing conflict decreases.

Stay out of it when you can. Step in only for safety. 📝

“Freeing Children from Roles” Is Essential Wisdom

The book addresses how we trap children in identities:

The roles we assign:

“She’s the shy one.”
“He’s the troublemaker.”
“She’s so dramatic.”
“He’s the difficult child.”
“She’s the smart one.”
“He’s not athletic.”

The problem:
Children become what we tell them they are. The role becomes a box they can’t escape. They stop trying to be different because they’ve been defined.

The liberation:

Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture:
“You figured that out all by yourself—that took real thinking.”
(To the “not smart” child)

Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently:
Let the “shy” child order their own food at the restaurant.

Let children overhear positive statements about them:
“She spent twenty minutes on that puzzle. She really sticks with things.”

Model the behavior you’d like to see:
Show them what “patient” or “kind” looks like.

Be a storehouse for their finest moments:
“I remember when you helped that new kid at school. That’s who you are.”

The message:
You are not fixed. You can change. I see more in you than this label.

Identity is a gift we give or withhold. 🧠

The Format Actually Works for Busy Parents

The book respects your limited time:

The structure:

Cartoon illustrations showing wrong vs. right approaches
Brief explanations of why
Practice exercises
Real parent stories and examples
Chapter summaries

Why this helps:
You can absorb core concepts from cartoons alone. You can skim when tired. You can return to specific sections when facing specific challenges.

The accessibility:
No dense paragraphs of theory. No academic language. No assumptions about what you should know.

The reality:
This book was designed by parents who actually have children. It feels like it understands your life.

Practical over theoretical. 🧘

The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬

It’s Dated in Places

The book was published in 1980, and it shows:

The evidence:

Examples involve rotary phones and cassette tapes
Gender roles are occasionally traditional
Diversity is limited in scenarios
Some concerns feel quaint by modern standards

The impact:
Younger parents may find some examples feel disconnected from current life. The core principles translate, but the packaging is vintage.

What’s missing:
Screens, social media, gaming, online safety—the entire digital landscape that dominates modern parenting challenges.

The good news:
The communication principles are timeless even when the examples aren’t. Updating the context mentally isn’t hard.

Core message ages well; examples less so. 😬

It Assumes Verbal, Neurotypical Kids

A familiar limitation:

The assumption:
Children can understand and respond to verbal communication, process emotional language, and engage in collaborative problem-solving.

Who this doesn’t fully address:

Very young children (under 3)
Autistic children with different communication styles
Children with language delays
Kids with ADHD who struggle with verbal instruction
Children in acute dysregulation who can’t process language

What’s missing:
Modifications for different developmental stages and neurotypes. Acknowledgment that some children need different approaches.

The adaptation required:
Parents of neurodivergent children will need to significantly modify or supplement these techniques.

Not one-size-fits-all. 🚩

It Can Feel Too Nice Sometimes

For some parents, the approach feels insufficient:

The concern:
What about when acknowledgment doesn’t work? When choices don’t engage cooperation? When the child just keeps doing the thing?

What some parents need:
More guidance on escalation. What happens when the respectful approach isn’t enough?

The gap:
The book is better at preventing problems than addressing entrenched ones. For families already in crisis, the gentle approach may feel inadequate.

The criticism:
Some parents read this and think “My kid would walk all over me if I talked like this.” The book doesn’t fully address children who need firmer boundaries or different approaches.

Works better for prevention than intervention. 🩺

The Exercises Require Time and Energy

Each chapter includes practice exercises:

What’s asked:

Write out scenarios
Practice responses
Reflect on your patterns
Try techniques and report back

The reality:
Exhausted parents may not have bandwidth for written exercises. The irony of needing time to learn time-saving techniques.

The workaround:
You can absorb core concepts without doing every exercise. The cartoons alone convey the main ideas.

The ideal:
A book group or workshop where you practice with others. This was the book’s original context, and it shows.

Exercises valuable but optional. 📉

Siblings Chapter Is Limited

Given how much sibling conflict dominates family life:

What’s provided:
Basic principles of staying out of it and not comparing.

What’s missing:
More extensive strategies for:

Persistent bullying between siblings
Significant age gaps
One child with special needs
When staying out of it isn’t safe
Repairing sibling relationships that have deteriorated

The reality:
Sibling dynamics are complex enough to warrant their own book. This chapter feels like an appetizer when you need a meal.

The resource:
Faber and Mazlish wrote a separate book, Siblings Without Rivalry, which addresses this more thoroughly.

Starter guidance, not comprehensive. 😬

Some Techniques Need Practice to Not Sound Weird

Deployment challenges:

The problem:
When you first try saying “I see toys on the floor” instead of “Clean up your toys,” you may sound robotic. Your child may look at you strangely.

The learning curve:
These scripts need to become natural. That takes practice. In the meantime, you might feel awkward or inauthentic.

The risk:
Giving up because it felt stupid the first three times you tried it.

The reality:
Any new communication pattern feels weird at first. The awkwardness passes.

The encouragement:
Keep trying. It gets more natural. Your kids will adjust.

Persistence required through awkward phase. 🗣️

It Doesn’t Address Your Triggers

The book focuses on what to say to children, not what’s happening inside you:

What’s missing:

Why you get triggered
How to regulate yourself before responding
What to do when you’re too angry to use these techniques
Processing your own childhood communication patterns

The gap:
You can know exactly what to say and still not be able to say it when you’re dysregulated.

The complement needed:
Pair with books that address parental self-regulation, like Parenting from the Inside Out or No-Drama Discipline.

Scripts without self-regulation is incomplete. 🧠

Cultural Context May Not Translate Universally

The book reflects specific cultural assumptions:

The context:
American, middle-class, relatively individualistic values. Emphasis on verbal expression, autonomy, and emotional vocabulary.

Potential tensions:

Some cultures prioritize respect and obedience differently
Not all families emphasize verbal emotional expression
Collaborative problem-solving may conflict with family hierarchy
The “peer-like” tone may feel disrespectful in some contexts

The adaptation:
Take principles and adapt to your cultural values. The core insight—treating children as humans whose feelings matter—translates. The specific implementation may need adjustment.

Cultural humility required. 🌍

Who Is This For? 🎯

Perfect if you:

Feel stuck in nagging, yelling, repeating cycles
Want specific scripts you can use immediately
Have verbal, typically developing children (roughly 3+)
Value respectful, relationship-focused parenting
Need practical tools over theory
Can tolerate dated examples for timeless principles
Want to improve daily communication

Not ideal if you:

Have very young children (under 3)
Have neurodivergent children needing specialized approaches
Are in crisis needing intensive intervention
Want heavily research-cited approaches
Need guidance on modern challenges (screens, social media)
Prefer theory and understanding over scripts
Want extensive focus on parental self-regulation

Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄

How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber & Julie King: Updated version for ages 2-7 by Faber’s daughter. Modern examples, same great principles. Start here if you have young children. 🏆

Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish: Deep dive on sibling dynamics by the same authors. Essential companion if sibling conflict is your main challenge.

No-Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson: Brain-science foundation for similar principles. More on the “why” behind the techniques.

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson: Understanding child brain development. Helps you know why these communication techniques work.

Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon: Similar philosophy, different framework. The other classic in respectful parent-child communication. 📚

The Final Verdict 🏅

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk has remained a parenting classic for over four decades because it works. The core insight—that children need their feelings acknowledged before they can move forward—is simple, profound, and universally applicable. The scripts give exhausted parents words when they have none. The alternatives to punishment maintain limits without damaging relationships. And the collaborative problem-solving builds capable humans.

For parents stuck in cycles of nagging, yelling, and repeating, this book offers a genuine alternative.

However, the book shows its age, doesn’t address modern challenges like screens, assumes neurotypical verbal children, and focuses on scripts without addressing parental regulation. For complete transformation, pair it with resources that address your triggers and your specific children’s needs.

The useful parts:

Acknowledging feelings: simple, profound, transformative
Practical scripts: words when you have none
Descriptive praise: builds internal motivation
Alternatives to punishment: firm without damaging
Collaborative problem-solving: builds capable kids
Accessible format: respects your limited time

The problematic parts:

Dated examples: needs mental updating
Neurotypical assumptions: modifications needed for many kids
Limited escalation guidance: what when nice doesn’t work?
Sibling chapter: too brief for such a big topic
No self-regulation focus: scripts without inner work
Cultural specificity: may need adaptation

The best approach: Read this book for the core communication skills. Practice the scripts until they become natural. Adapt for your specific children and your specific cultural context. Supplement with resources on self-regulation and neurodivergent needs as relevant.

The bottom line: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk isn’t just a parenting book—it’s a communication course disguised as parenting advice. The skills apply to any relationship where you want to be heard and want others to feel heard.

The magic isn’t in the specific words. It’s in the fundamental shift: treating children as full human beings whose feelings matter, whose perspectives deserve acknowledgment, and whose cooperation is invited rather than demanded.

That respect—communicated through how you talk and how you listen—is what transforms relationships.

Children who feel heard become adults who can hear others. That’s not just parenting. That’s changing the world, one conversation at a time. 💬✨

Has this book changed how you communicate with your kids? What scripts have become second nature? What still feels awkward? Share your experience below!

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