A review from someone whose teenager had stopped talking to them entirely—and found a book from 1969 that understood the problem better than anything written since
Your teenager used to talk to you. Now they communicate in grunts, eye rolls, and slammed doors. Conversations that used to flow easily have become minefields. Every interaction feels like a potential explosion.
You ask a simple question. They hear an interrogation.
You offer helpful advice. They hear criticism.
You express concern. They hear control.
You’re trying to stay connected. They’re trying to pull away. And somewhere in this daily collision, your relationship is eroding.
You’ve tried being stricter. It made things worse. You’ve tried being more permissive. They lost respect for you. You’ve tried being their friend. They don’t want a friend—they want a parent. But what kind of parent? And how do you parent someone who doesn’t want to be parented?
Dr. Haim G. Ginott’s Between Parent and Teenager was written in 1969, and it remains one of the most insightful books on communicating with adolescents ever written. Ginott—the psychologist whose work influenced generations of parenting experts—understood something fundamental: the way we talk to teenagers matters more than what we say.
It’s the parenting book that teaches you to speak a different language. But can a book from over fifty years ago still help? Let’s find out.
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Listen while driving your teenager to yet another activity where they’ll ignore you. Cancel within 30 days, pay nothing, and keep the audiobook permanently. Ginott’s wisdom transcends the decades. 🎧📚
What Is This Book? 🤔
Between Parent and Teenager is Haim Ginott’s guide to the unique communication challenges of adolescence. Building on his groundbreaking work in Between Parent and Child, Ginott applies his principles of respectful, empathetic communication to the specific developmental stage of teenagers—when the stakes feel higher and the conversations feel harder.
The format:
- Short, focused chapters
- Dialogue-heavy examples
- Before/after communication comparisons
- Principles illustrated through real scenarios
- Accessible, almost conversational writing
- Timeless wisdom despite dated references
The coverage:
- The nature of adolescence
- Communication patterns that work (and don’t)
- Handling rebellion and defiance
- Dealing with criticism and contempt
- Sex, drugs, and difficult topics
- Privacy and trust
- Discipline without warfare
- Letting go gradually
- The parent’s emotional journey
- Building bridges instead of walls
The core principles:
- Acknowledge feelings before addressing behavior
- Describe rather than evaluate
- Respect autonomy while maintaining limits
- Avoid attacking character—address situations
- Model the communication you want to receive
The philosophy:
Teenagers are in the process of becoming separate people. They need to rebel—it’s developmentally necessary. Our job isn’t to prevent their separation but to maintain connection through it. And the key to connection is how we communicate.
It’s the communication manual for the hardest parenting years. 📖
The Good Stuff ✅
Ginott Understands Teenagers Profoundly
He gets what they’re going through:
The developmental insight:
Teenagers are caught between childhood and adulthood, belonging fully to neither. They want independence but need security. They reject parental authority but crave parental presence.
The contradiction:
They push you away AND need you. They criticize everything you do AND are watching how you handle it. They claim not to care what you think AND care desperately.
The task:
Adolescence is about identity formation. Teens are asking “Who am I apart from my parents?” This requires some rejection of parents—even good parents.
The compassion:
Ginott views teenage rebellion with understanding, not condemnation. It’s not pathology—it’s development.
The reframe:
Your teenager’s difficult behavior isn’t a problem to solve—it’s a process to survive together.
Deep adolescent understanding. 🎯
The Communication Examples Are Transformative
Before and after that actually help:
The pattern:
Ginott shows typical parent-teen exchanges, then shows how different language creates different outcomes.
Example 1 – The criticism trap:
Teen: “This dinner is gross.”
Typical response: “I worked hard on this dinner! You’re so ungrateful. When I was your age, we ate what we were given.”
Ginott approach: “You don’t like it. There’s bread and cheese in the fridge.”
Example 2 – The interrogation:
Parent: “How was school? What did you learn? Did you talk to your teacher about that grade? Who did you eat lunch with?”
Teen: Shuts down.
Ginott approach: “You look tired.” (Wait. Let them fill the silence if they want to.)
Example 3 – The advice trap:
Teen: “I hate my friend. She’s so fake.”
Typical response: “Well, maybe you should talk to her about it. Or find new friends. Have you considered…”
Ginott approach: “It hurts when friends disappoint us.”
The insight:
Our helpful responses often shut conversations down. Acknowledgment without advice keeps them open.
Practical communication transformation. ✨
“Address the Situation, Not the Character”
One of Ginott’s most powerful principles:
The distinction:
Comment on what happened, not who they are. Describe the situation, not their character.
The problem with character attacks:
“You’re so lazy” or “You’re irresponsible” or “You never think of anyone but yourself” attacks identity. Teens defend identity fiercely.
The alternative:
“The dishes are still in the sink” describes reality without character judgment. It invites response rather than defense.
The formula:
Describe + Express (your feeling) + Expect: “The car is almost out of gas. That’s frustrating. I expect it to be returned with at least a quarter tank.”
The effect:
When you address situations rather than character, teens can respond to the situation without feeling their entire self is under attack.
The long-term impact:
How we talk to children becomes their inner voice. Character attacks become self-attacks.
Situation focus protects relationship. 💪
Acknowledging Feelings Without Agreeing
The nuance that changes everything:
The confusion:
Parents think acknowledging feelings means agreeing with them or permitting bad behavior.
The clarity:
You can fully acknowledge a feeling while completely denying a request or maintaining a limit.
The example:
“You’re furious that you can’t go to the party. You feel like I’m ruining your life. I understand. And the answer is still no.”
The combination:
Empathy AND limits. Understanding AND boundaries. Connection AND expectations.
The effect:
Teens feel heard even when they don’t get what they want. Feeling heard reduces escalation.
The alternative:
When feelings are dismissed (“Don’t be ridiculous, it’s not that big a deal”), teens escalate to be heard.
Empathy and limits together. 🌟
Privacy and Autonomy Are Respected
Developmentally appropriate separation:
The principle:
Teenagers need privacy. It’s not suspicious—it’s necessary for identity development.
The mistake:
Treating privacy as evidence of wrongdoing. Demanding access to every thought, conversation, and space.
The right:
Teens have a right to an inner life that parents don’t access. Respecting this right builds trust.
The balance:
Privacy doesn’t mean no oversight. It means appropriate oversight—knowing where they are and who they’re with without reading their diary.
The communication:
“I don’t need to know everything you think and feel. I do need to know you’re safe.”
The paradox:
Respecting privacy often leads to more voluntary sharing than demanding transparency.
Privacy respected appropriately. 🛡️
The Parent’s Emotional Journey Is Acknowledged
You’re going through something too:
The recognition:
Parenting a teenager is emotionally difficult. The rejection hurts. The conflict is exhausting. The worry is constant.
The validation:
Ginott acknowledges that parents have feelings too—and those feelings are legitimate.
The challenge:
Managing your own emotions while dealing with someone who’s deliberately pushing your buttons.
The guidance:
You don’t have to be emotionless. You can express anger, disappointment, frustration—but how you express them matters.
The modeling:
Your emotional regulation teaches them emotional regulation. How you handle conflict is how they’ll learn to handle conflict.
The permission:
You can be human. You’ll make mistakes. Repair is possible.
Parent emotions validated. 📝
The Writing Is Clear and Accessible
Wisdom without jargon:
The style:
Short chapters. Concrete examples. Plain language. Easy to read in short bursts.
The accessibility:
You don’t need a psychology degree. The concepts are immediately understandable.
The reference value:
Easy to flip back to specific topics when you need them.
The examples:
Dialogue-based learning is effective. You can almost hear the conversations.
The memorability:
Principles stick because they’re illustrated, not just stated.
Clear, accessible wisdom. 🧠
The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬
The Book Is Dated
1969 was a long time ago:
The references:
Some examples reference cultural contexts that no longer exist. Slang, situations, and concerns have evolved.
The gender dynamics:
Written in an era with different assumptions about mothers, fathers, and gender roles.
The technology absence:
No smartphones, social media, internet, or any digital parenting challenges.
The cultural context:
Different assumptions about education, work, family structure, and social norms.
The adaptation required:
Readers need to translate principles to contemporary contexts.
The core validity:
Despite dated references, the communication principles remain remarkably relevant.
Dated cultural references throughout. 😬
No Digital Age Guidance
The biggest gap:
The absence:
Zero guidance on:
- Social media and mental health
- Smartphone management
- Online safety and privacy
- Digital communication patterns
- Screen time conflicts
- Cyberbullying
- Online predators
- Digital footprint
The limitation:
Many of the most pressing parent-teen conflicts today involve technology—and this book can’t help with specifics.
The translation:
You can apply Ginott’s principles to technology conversations, but you’ll need to figure out how yourself.
The supplement needed:
Contemporary resources on digital parenting are essential companions.
No technology guidance. 🚩
Some Advice May Feel Permissive
Different era, different norms:
The context:
Ginott wrote in reaction to authoritarian parenting norms. His emphasis on respect and autonomy was revolutionary.
The contemporary read:
Some parents today may find the approach too permissive, especially if they’ve already been too lenient.
The balance:
Ginott includes limits and expectations, but the emphasis on empathy may overwhelm this for some readers.
The misread:
Readers might take “acknowledge feelings” to mean “give in to demands.”
The clarification:
Ginott is not permissive—he’s respectful. Limits are maintained, but delivered with empathy.
May read as too permissive. 📉
Limited Coverage of Serious Issues
Some topics too briefly addressed:
The gaps:
- Mental health crises
- Eating disorders
- Self-harm
- Severe substance abuse
- Legal troubles
- School failure
- Violence
The context:
These issues are mentioned but not deeply addressed. Ginott focuses on normal developmental challenges.
The limitation:
For parents dealing with serious issues, this book provides foundation but not specific guidance.
The supplement needed:
Professional help and specialized resources for serious challenges.
Serious issues insufficiently covered. 📉
The Examples Can Feel Idealized
Real life is messier:
The pattern:
Ginott’s examples often show a parent responding perfectly, with the teen responding positively.
The reality:
Sometimes you use the right language and it still doesn’t work. Sometimes teens don’t respond to empathy. Sometimes the ideal response isn’t accessible.
The gap:
Between the elegant dialogues and the messy reality of actual conversations with actual teenagers.
The frustration:
Trying the “right” response and having it fail can be discouraging.
The patience needed:
Communication patterns change slowly. One conversation doesn’t transform a relationship.
Idealized examples. 😬
Neurodivergence Not Addressed
Different brains need different approaches:
The assumption:
Neurotypical teenagers responding in typical ways.
The complication:
Teenagers with ADHD, autism, anxiety disorders, or other differences may need adapted approaches.
The gap:
No guidance on how these principles apply (or don’t) to neurodivergent teens.
The risk:
Parents might persist with approaches that don’t fit their specific teen’s neurology.
The supplement needed:
Resources specifically addressing neurodivergent adolescents.
Neurodivergence not considered. 📉
Single-Parent and Non-Traditional Families Limited
Traditional structure assumed:
The framing:
Much of the book assumes two-parent households with traditional dynamics.
The gaps:
- Single parenting challenges
- Blended family dynamics
- Co-parenting after divorce
- Same-sex parent households
- Grandparents as primary caregivers
The adaptation:
Core principles apply, but specific dynamics are unaddressed.
The limitation:
Non-traditional families will need to translate significantly.
Traditional family structure assumed. 😬
Who Is This For? 🎯
Perfect if you:
- Have a teenager and communication has broken down
- Want foundational principles rather than quick fixes
- Can adapt timeless wisdom to contemporary contexts
- Appreciate psychological insight into adolescent development
- Are willing to change your own communication patterns
- Want to maintain connection during the separation process
- Have relatively typical teenage challenges
Not ideal if you:
- Need guidance on technology and digital issues
- Have a teen with serious mental health or behavioral challenges
- Prefer contemporary references and examples
- Have a neurodivergent teen needing specialized approaches
- Want tactical solutions for specific modern problems
- Are in a non-traditional family structure needing specific guidance
- Find dated cultural references too distracting
Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: Updated application of Ginott’s principles (Faber and Mazlish studied with Ginott). More contemporary examples. Excellent companion or alternative. 🏆
Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions of Adolescence by Lisa Damour: Specifically for parents of girls. Contemporary, research-based, highly practical.
The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene: For challenging, inflexible teens. Collaborative problem-solving approach when typical strategies don’t work.
Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel J. Siegel: Neuroscience of adolescence. Helps understand why teens act the way they do.
Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall by Anthony E. Wolf: Humorous, practical guide to living with teenagers. Different tone, similar wisdom.
The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson: Focus on motivation and autonomy. Excellent for understanding what teens need developmentally. 📚
The Final Verdict 🏅
Between Parent and Teenager remains a foundational text on communicating with adolescents—remarkable for a book written over fifty years ago. Ginott’s core insights about acknowledgment, respect, and the separation process are timeless because they’re grounded in fundamental truths about human relationships and adolescent development.
The principles work: address situations, not character. Acknowledge feelings before problem-solving. Respect autonomy while maintaining limits. Model the communication you want to receive. These ideas have influenced virtually every parenting expert who came after Ginott, and returning to the source offers clarity and depth.
For parents whose communication with their teen has broken down—who feel like they’re speaking different languages—this book provides both understanding and practical tools.
However, the dated cultural references require adaptation. The absence of technology guidance is a significant gap. Serious issues, neurodivergence, and non-traditional families are underaddressed. And real conversations are messier than Ginott’s elegant examples.
The useful parts:
- Profound understanding of adolescent development
- Transformative communication examples
- “Address situation, not character” principle
- Acknowledging feelings without agreeing
- Privacy and autonomy respected
- Parent emotional journey acknowledged
- Clear, accessible writing
The problematic parts:
- Significantly dated (1969)
- No digital age guidance
- May read as too permissive to some
- Serious issues insufficiently covered
- Examples can feel idealized
- Neurodivergence not addressed
- Traditional family structure assumed
The best approach: Read for the principles, not the specific examples. Let Ginott’s framework shape how you think about communication, then translate to your contemporary context. Supplement with modern resources for technology guidance and specific challenges. And remember: communication patterns change slowly. This is a long game.
The bottom line: Between Parent and Teenager answers the question every parent of an adolescent asks: “How do I talk to this person who used to be my child?”
The answer isn’t complicated, but it is hard: You talk to them with respect. You acknowledge their feelings even when you disagree with their conclusions. You address situations without attacking their character. You maintain limits while validating their experience. You model the kind of communication you want to receive.
Your teenager is becoming a separate person. That’s not a problem—it’s the goal. Your job is to stay connected through the separation. And connection is built through communication.
Not through lectures. Not through interrogations. Not through advice they didn’t ask for.
Through listening. Through acknowledgment. Through respect.
Ginott understood this in 1969. It’s just as true today. The technology has changed, the slang has changed, the world has changed. But teenagers are still trying to figure out who they are. And they still need parents who can talk to them like they’re becoming adults—because they are.
That’s what Ginott teaches. And fifty years later, we still need to learn it. 🗣️💙✨
Did Between Parent and Teenager help you communicate better with your adolescent? What principles were most transformative? How did you adapt the advice to contemporary challenges? Share your experience below!
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