A review from someone who tried every consequence imaginable—and finally learned that the problem was never about motivation
You’ve hit rock bottom.
Your child explodes over things that shouldn’t matter. A request to turn off the TV. A change in plans. Being told “no” to something small. What should be minor disappointments become volcanic eruptions—screaming, throwing things, hitting, saying terrible things, sometimes for hours.
You’ve tried everything. Time-outs (they refuse to go, or destroy the room). Taking things away (they don’t seem to care, or it makes them explode more). Rewards (they work for a day, then nothing). Yelling (you hate yourself for it). Staying calm (they escalate until you can’t). You’ve read books, tried charts, consulted therapists. Nothing works.
Everyone has opinions. “Be more consistent.” “Don’t give in.” “Show them who’s boss.” “Have you tried consequences?” As if you haven’t tried consequences. As if the problem is that you haven’t punished enough.
Here’s what nobody has told you: your child is not choosing to explode.
They’re not manipulating you. They’re not testing limits. They’re not doing this because consequences haven’t been severe enough or because you’ve been too soft. They’re exploding because, in that moment, they literally cannot do anything else.
Something is getting in the way. A skill they haven’t developed. A problem they can’t solve. A gap between what’s being demanded and what they’re capable of delivering. The explosion isn’t the problem—it’s the signal that a problem exists.
Dr. Ross W. Greene’s The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children offers a revolutionary understanding of challenging children and a practical approach for helping them. Now in its sixth edition, this book has transformed how millions of families understand and respond to their most difficult kids.
It’s the book that finally makes sense of the chaos. Let’s find out why.
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What Is This Book? 🤔
The Explosive Child introduces Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS), an approach developed by Dr. Ross W. Greene, a clinical psychologist who has spent decades working with the most challenging children—those who don’t respond to traditional parenting approaches. The book explains why these children explode and provides a concrete method for reducing explosions while building crucial skills.
The format:
- Explanation of why explosive children explode
- Introduction to lagging skills and unsolved problems
- The three options for handling expectations (Plan A, B, C)
- Detailed guide to Collaborative & Proactive Solutions
- Extensive case examples and dialogue scripts
- Troubleshooting common challenges
- Guidance for schools and other settings
The core thesis:
Explosive children aren’t willfully defiant. They’re not manipulating. They’re not lacking motivation or in need of firmer limits. They’re lacking skills—specific cognitive abilities that allow flexible, adaptive responses to frustration and changing demands.
When the demands of a situation exceed a child’s capacity to respond adaptively, they explode. The explosion is the predictable result of a skill deficit, not a character flaw.
The solution isn’t more consequences. It’s identifying the specific skills that are lagging and the specific situations that trigger explosions—then solving those problems collaboratively.
The coverage:
- Why traditional discipline fails explosive children
- The philosophy of “kids do well if they can”
- Identifying lagging skills
- Identifying unsolved problems
- The three plans (A, B, C)
- Plan B: Collaborative & Proactive Solutions in depth
- Emergency Plan B for in-the-moment crises
- Working with schools
- When professional help is needed
- Frequently asked questions
The key principles:
- Kids do well if they can—not “if they want to”
- Challenging behavior occurs when demands outstrip skills
- Lagging skills and unsolved problems explain explosions
- Collaboration beats imposition
- Solving problems proactively prevents explosions
- The relationship must be protected
It’s the paradigm shift that changes everything. 📖
The Good Stuff ✅
“Kids Do Well If They Can” Transforms Understanding
The foundational philosophy:
The conventional wisdom:
“Kids do well if they want to.” If a child is behaving badly, they must not want to behave well—either because consequences aren’t severe enough or rewards aren’t attractive enough. The solution is to increase motivation through better incentives.
Greene’s counter-philosophy:
“Kids do well if they can.” If a child is behaving badly, something is getting in the way. They’re lacking a skill or facing a problem they can’t solve. The solution is to identify what’s getting in the way and address it.
The implications:
If you believe “kids do well if they want to”:
- You focus on motivation (rewards/consequences)
- You see defiance and willful misbehavior
- You get frustrated by non-compliance
- You escalate consequences when behavior doesn’t improve
- You blame the child (or yourself)
If you believe “kids do well if they can”:
- You focus on ability (what skills are lacking?)
- You see skill deficits and unsolved problems
- You get curious about what’s getting in the way
- You look for solutions when behavior doesn’t improve
- You approach with compassion and problem-solving
The compassion shift:
This philosophy transforms how you see your child. They’re not giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time. They’re not choosing to explode—they’re unable, in that moment, to do anything else.
The hope:
If explosions stem from lagging skills, then building skills can reduce explosions. This is solvable. There’s a path forward.
Foundational paradigm shift. 🎯
Lagging Skills Explain the “Why”
What’s actually missing:
The concept:
Behind every challenging behavior is a lagging skill—a cognitive ability that the child hasn’t developed adequately. When demands exceed the capacity of that skill, challenging behavior results.
The skill categories:
Flexibility and adaptability:
Difficulty adjusting to changes in plans, transitions, unpredictability. Getting stuck on how things “should” be.
Frustration tolerance:
Easily overwhelmed when things are difficult, confusing, or not going as expected.
Problem-solving:
Difficulty thinking through solutions when faced with obstacles. Getting stuck rather than finding alternatives.
Emotional regulation:
Difficulty managing emotional responses, especially when frustrated or disappointed.
Considering outcomes:
Trouble thinking ahead to consequences of actions before acting.
Shifting cognitive set:
Difficulty moving from one mindset to another, or from one activity to another.
Seeing the big picture:
Getting stuck on details, missing context, difficulty with gray areas.
Communication:
Difficulty expressing needs, concerns, or feelings in words rather than behavior.
Perspective-taking:
Trouble understanding how others think or feel, or how one’s behavior affects others.
The specificity:
Not all explosive children have the same lagging skills. Identifying YOUR child’s specific profile allows targeted intervention.
The normalization:
These are developmental skills, not moral qualities. Some children develop them more slowly—just as some children develop reading or motor skills more slowly.
Lagging skills explain why. ✨
Unsolved Problems Identify the “When”
Where explosions happen:
The distinction:
Lagging skills are WHY your child has trouble. Unsolved problems are the specific situations WHERE trouble occurs.
The definition:
An unsolved problem is a specific expectation the child has difficulty meeting consistently.
The format:
“Difficulty [meeting specific expectation] [in specific situation]”
Examples:
- Difficulty getting ready for school in the morning without conflict
- Difficulty accepting “no” when asking for screen time
- Difficulty transitioning from preferred activities when asked
- Difficulty completing homework without meltdowns
- Difficulty sharing toys with younger sibling
- Difficulty handling changes in plans
- Difficulty eating foods other than preferred items
The specificity requirement:
“Has trouble with anger” is too vague. “Difficulty accepting when told he can’t have a snack before dinner” is specific and actionable.
The inventory:
Greene encourages parents to create a comprehensive list of their child’s unsolved problems—every recurring situation where expectations aren’t being met consistently.
The prioritization:
You can’t solve everything at once. Identify the top three problems to address. Let others go temporarily.
Unsolved problems identify targets. 💪
The Three Plans Provide Clarity
Options for handling any expectation:
Plan A: Impose Your Will
You insist on compliance. The expectation is met because you make it happen—through whatever means necessary.
Characteristics:
- Adult-driven
- Compliance is required
- Consequences for non-compliance
When it’s appropriate:
Safety issues. True emergencies. Non-negotiables.
The problem for explosive children:
Plan A often triggers explosions. You might eventually get compliance, but at enormous cost—to the relationship, to everyone’s wellbeing, to your child’s development.
The trap:
Many parents use Plan A constantly. Every expectation becomes a hill to die on. The result is constant conflict.
Plan B: Collaborative & Proactive Solutions
You and your child solve the problem together.
Characteristics:
- Collaborative
- Both concerns addressed
- Problem-solving together
- Proactive (before problems occur)
When it’s appropriate:
Almost everything that isn’t an immediate safety issue.
The goal:
Find solutions that address both your concerns and your child’s concerns. Build skills through the process.
Plan C: Drop the Expectation
You let this one go—for now.
Characteristics:
- Strategic choice
- Reduces conflict
- Temporary (usually)
- Allows focus on priorities
When it’s appropriate:
Lower-priority issues. When you’re overwhelmed. When you need to reduce explosions while addressing bigger problems.
The misunderstanding:
Plan C isn’t “giving in.” It’s strategic prioritization. You can’t fix everything at once.
The reallocation:
Most families need to move many expectations from Plan A to either Plan B or Plan C. This alone dramatically reduces explosions.
Three plans provide clarity. 🌟
Plan B Is Thoroughly Detailed
The collaborative problem-solving process:
When it happens:
Proactively—when everyone is calm, before the problematic situation occurs. NOT during an explosion.
The three steps:
Step 1: The Empathy Step
Gather information about your child’s concern or perspective on the unsolved problem.
The opening:
“I’ve noticed that [describe unsolved problem—not behavior, but the expectation being unmet]. What’s up?”
The goal:
Understand your child’s concern. What’s making this hard? What’s getting in the way?
The skills:
- Listen without judgment
- Reflect what you hear
- Ask clarifying questions
- Drill down to get specifics
- Don’t propose solutions yet
- Don’t defend or argue
The patience:
This step takes longest. Don’t rush. Understanding is the foundation.
Step 2: Define the Adult Concern
Share YOUR concern about the same unsolved problem.
The format:
“The thing is…” or “My concern is…”
The brevity:
Keep it short. One or two sentences. No lectures.
The legitimacy:
Your concerns matter too. This isn’t about abandoning your expectations—it’s about finding a way to meet them that works for everyone.
Step 3: The Invitation
Brainstorm solutions together.
The opening:
“I wonder if there’s a way to [address both concerns]. Do you have any ideas?”
The collaboration:
Work together. Consider options. Find something both can live with.
The criteria:
A good solution is:
- Realistic (can actually be done)
- Mutually satisfactory (addresses both concerns)
The follow-up:
Try the solution. If it doesn’t work, revisit and try again.
Plan B thoroughly explained. 🛡️
The Proactive Emphasis Is Crucial
Before, not during:
The timing insight:
Most parents try to address problems during or immediately after explosions. This doesn’t work. When children are dysregulated, they can’t think clearly, can’t problem-solve, can’t access their better selves.
The proactive approach:
Plan B conversations happen when everyone is calm—hours or days before the problematic situation is likely to occur again.
The predictability:
You know which situations trigger explosions. Homework. Screen time endings. Morning routines. Transitions. These are your unsolved problems. Address them proactively.
The prevention:
Solving problems before they occur prevents explosions rather than just reacting to them.
The metaphor:
You’re not putting out fires. You’re preventing fires from starting.
The shift:
From reactive (responding to explosions) to proactive (preventing them through problem-solving).
Proactive approach essential. 📝
The Case Examples Are Extensive
What this actually looks like:
The value:
Greene includes numerous case examples showing Plan B conversations in real families.
The realism:
The examples aren’t smooth. Children in the dialogues:
- Say “I don’t know”
- Give surface-level answers
- Propose unrealistic solutions
- Resist the process
- Take time to open up
Greene shows how to handle all of this.
The scripts:
Word-for-word examples you can learn from and adapt.
The troubleshooting:
What to do when Step 1 stalls. How to drill down when children aren’t forthcoming. How to handle when proposed solutions are unworkable.
The learning:
Reading multiple examples helps you internalize the rhythm and feel of collaborative problem-solving.
Extensive realistic examples. 🧠
It Protects the Relationship
Connection alongside behavior:
The risk of traditional approaches:
Constant conflict, consequences, and power struggles damage the parent-child relationship. You might eventually get compliance—but at what cost?
The CPS protection:
Collaboration inherently protects relationship. You’re partners, not adversaries. You’re solving problems together, not fighting each other.
The message to the child:
“We’re on the same team. Your concerns matter. We can work this out together.”
The long game:
The relationship with your child is more important than any individual behavioral issue. CPS keeps this in focus.
The teenage preview:
Children who’ve been collaborated with become teenagers who still talk to you. They’ve learned that problems can be solved together.
The trust:
Collaboration builds trust. “My parent listens to me. My concerns matter. We can figure things out.”
Relationship protected throughout. 💬
The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬
Requires Significant Parental Change
Not a technique—a paradigm:
The challenge:
This isn’t a quick fix you can add to your current approach. It’s a fundamental change in how you think about your child and how you parent.
The resistance:
Many parents resist:
- “But I’m the parent”
- “Kids need to learn to do what they’re told”
- “The world won’t collaborate with them”
- “This is just giving in”
The unlearning:
If you were raised with traditional discipline (most of us were), you have deeply ingrained patterns to unlearn.
The discomfort:
Treating children as partners feels wrong initially—like abdicating your role.
The persistence:
This paradigm shift takes time to internalize and even longer to implement consistently under stress.
Significant parental change required. 😬
Plan B Takes Time
Not a quick approach:
The process:
Each Plan B conversation requires:
- Identifying the unsolved problem specifically
- Finding a calm time to talk
- Working through all three steps (especially Step 1)
- Following up on whether solutions work
- Revising when they don’t
The exhaustion factor:
Parents of explosive children are already exhausted. Finding time and energy for lengthy problem-solving conversations is challenging.
The patience:
Results aren’t immediate. You’re building skills and solving problems—gradual processes, not quick fixes.
The investment:
Plan B is front-loaded. It takes more time initially but potentially less time over time as problems get solved and skills develop.
Plan B takes time and energy. 😬
Emergency Plan B Has Limitations
What about in the moment?
The emphasis:
Greene strongly emphasizes proactive Plan B—solving problems before they occur. But what about when explosions happen anyway?
Emergency Plan B:
Greene addresses in-the-moment situations, but acknowledges limitations. During an explosion:
- The child can’t think clearly
- Problem-solving is impaired
- The goal is de-escalation, not resolution
- The real work happens proactively later
The gap:
Parents often want to know “What do I do RIGHT NOW when my child is melting down?” The answer—wait for calm, then address proactively—can feel inadequate in the moment.
The reality:
There is no magic technique for stopping an explosion in progress. Prevention is the primary strategy.
In-the-moment guidance limited. 😬
Partner and Family Alignment
When caregivers disagree:
The challenge:
CPS works best when all caregivers are aligned. But partners may disagree fundamentally.
The conflicts:
“You’re coddling him.”
“She needs consequences.”
“This is too permissive.”
“I wasn’t raised this way.”
The inconsistency:
Different approaches from different caregivers creates confusion and undermines the approach.
The gap:
Greene could provide more guidance on navigating fundamental disagreements between caregivers.
Partner alignment challenging. 😬
Schools Often Don’t Collaborate
The institutional challenge:
The reality:
Most schools operate on traditional discipline—rules, expectations, consequences for violations.
The mismatch:
Parent uses CPS at home; school uses Plan A. The child experiences inconsistent approaches.
The labeling:
Schools may see the child as defiant, oppositional, or behavior-disordered—and respond accordingly.
The advocacy:
Parents often need to advocate for different approaches at school, frequently without success.
The resource:
Greene has written specifically about schools (Lost at School), but families still struggle with home-school coordination.
School implementation difficult. 😬
Some Children Need More
When CPS isn’t enough:
The reality:
CPS is powerful but not sufficient for every child. Some need additional intervention:
- Medication for underlying conditions
- Therapy for trauma, anxiety, or other issues
- Specialized treatment for specific diagnoses
- Family therapy for systemic issues
The gap:
The book could more clearly delineate when CPS alone is sufficient versus when professional help is essential.
The complement:
CPS often works best alongside other interventions, not instead of them.
Additional interventions sometimes needed. 😬
The Writing Is Dense
Not always easy reading:
The style:
Greene writes thoroughly. Concepts are explained completely, sometimes repetitively.
The effect:
Some readers find the book dense or slow going.
The explanation:
Greene wants to ensure readers fully understand the philosophy and methodology. The repetition serves that goal.
The solution:
Focus on the chapters most relevant to your situation. Skim sections covering concepts you’ve already grasped.
Dense writing style. 🚩
Who Is This For? 🎯
Perfect if you:
- Have a child who explodes frequently and intensely
- Have tried traditional discipline without success
- Want to understand WHY your child behaves as they do
- Are willing to fundamentally change your approach
- Can invest time in proactive problem-solving
- Want to protect your relationship with your child
- Think long-term, not just immediate compliance
- Are open to viewing your child differently
Not ideal if you:
- Have a child who responds well to traditional approaches (use those)
- Want quick behavioral fixes
- Aren’t ready to change your own parenting patterns
- Have severe family dysfunction requiring broader intervention first
- Need primarily crisis intervention guidance
- Want a quick, light read
- Have a partner fundamentally opposed who won’t consider the approach
Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄
Raising Human Beings by Ross W. Greene: Applies CPS to ALL children, not just explosive ones. Read this after if you want to extend the approach family-wide. 🏆
Lost at School by Ross W. Greene: Applies CPS to school settings. Essential if school is a major battleground.
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Brain-based understanding of children’s behavior. Excellent complement to CPS.
No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Connection-based discipline approach. Compatible philosophy with practical strategies.
Beyond Behaviors by Mona Delahooke: Understanding the body’s role in challenging behavior. Excellent complement to Greene’s cognitive focus.
The Out-of-Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz: If sensory processing issues underlie your child’s difficulties. Important for understanding contributing factors.
The Connected Child by Karyn B. Purvis: If your child’s history includes trauma, neglect, or disrupted attachment.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: Communication strategies that complement CPS beautifully. 📚
The Final Verdict 🏅
The Explosive Child offers something transformative: a genuinely different way of understanding challenging children that leads to genuinely different—and more effective—solutions.
“Kids do well if they can” is more than a philosophy. It’s a lens that changes everything. When you believe your child would do well if they could, you stop trying to motivate them and start trying to help them. You stop seeing defiance and start seeing skill deficits. You stop imposing solutions and start solving problems together.
The lagging skills and unsolved problems framework gives you a concrete way to understand what’s happening. The three plans give you options for every situation. And Plan B—Collaborative & Proactive Solutions—gives you a methodology for actually making things better.
For families who have tried everything and nothing has worked, this book offers hope. Real hope, grounded in a coherent philosophy and practical methodology. Children can change. Families can heal. Explosions can decrease. It just requires a different approach than what most of us learned.
However, the approach requires real parental change, not just new techniques. Plan B takes time. In-the-moment guidance is limited. Partner alignment is challenging. And some children need more than CPS alone can provide.
The useful parts:
- “Kids do well if they can” paradigm shift
- Lagging skills framework explains behavior
- Unsolved problems identify targets
- Three plans provide clarity
- Plan B thoroughly detailed
- Proactive emphasis prevents explosions
- Extensive realistic case examples
- Relationship protected throughout
The problematic parts:
- Requires significant parental change
- Plan B takes time and energy
- In-the-moment guidance limited
- Partner alignment challenging
- School implementation difficult
- Some children need additional interventions
- Dense writing style
The best approach: Start with the philosophy. Let “kids do well if they can” transform how you see your child before you try to implement the method. Then identify your child’s lagging skills and create an unsolved problems list. Move many expectations to Plan C to reduce conflict immediately. Pick ONE priority unsolved problem to address with Plan B. Master that conversation before expanding. Be patient—you’re building skills, not just managing behavior. And seek professional support if needed.
The bottom line: The Explosive Child answers the question that haunts every parent of an explosive child: Why is my child like this?
Not because they’re bad.
Not because they’re manipulative.
Not because you’ve been too soft.
Not because consequences haven’t been severe enough.
Because they lack skills. Because demands are exceeding capacity. Because there are unsolved problems creating predictable friction.
This isn’t an excuse—it’s an explanation. And explanation leads to solution.
Your child doesn’t want to explode. They don’t enjoy the meltdowns. They don’t feel good about the aftermath. They’re stuck—unable to meet demands they don’t have the skills to meet, unable to solve problems they don’t know how to solve.
You can help them. Not through more consequences, but through understanding. Not through imposition, but through collaboration. Not through fighting against them, but through working with them.
The explosions can decrease. The skills can develop. The relationship can heal. The family can change.
It starts with one shift: believing that your child would do well if they could.
From there, everything else follows.
Greene shows you how. Your child is waiting for someone to finally understand.
Be that person. 🧡💪✨
Did The Explosive Child change how you understand your child? What was hardest about implementing CPS? What breakthroughs have you experienced? Share your story below!
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