Good Enough Parenting: A Mindful Approach by Dr. Laura Markham: A Deep Dive Review

A review from someone who once cried in the bathroom after losing their temper for the third time that day and whispered, “I’m ruining my children,” to the mirror

You’re trying so hard. You’ve read the books. You understand that connection matters, that punishment backfires, that your childhood wounds affect your parenting. You know what you’re supposed to do.

And yet.

You lost your temper this morning. You yelled something you regret. You saw fear flash across your child’s face and felt your heart crack. You promised yourself you’d do better, again, for the hundredth time this month.

Now you’re carrying guilt like a second skin. Wondering if the damage is done. Questioning whether you’re cut out for this. Comparing yourself to the calm, patient parents who seem to exist everywhere except your own home.

What if the standard you’re holding yourself to is the problem? What if “perfect parent” is not only impossible but actually harmful as a goal? What if “good enough” isn’t settling—it’s freedom?

Dr. Laura Markham’s approach to Good Enough Parenting offers a radical permission slip: You don’t have to be perfect. You have to be present, willing to repair, and committed to growth. That’s it. That’s enough.

But is “good enough” genuinely liberating? Or is it a lowered bar that lets mediocre parenting off the hook? Let’s examine what resonates, what falls short, and whether releasing perfectionism actually makes you a better parent.

What Is This Book? 🤔

Dr. Laura Markham’s work on Good Enough Parenting draws on attachment theory, neuroscience, and mindfulness to argue that parental perfectionism is both impossible and counterproductive.

The core premise: Children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are present, who repair ruptures, who regulate themselves, and who keep showing up. “Good enough” isn’t mediocrity—it’s the scientifically-supported sweet spot where children actually thrive.

The framework rests on several key principles:

Regulation is the foundation — You can’t regulate your child until you regulate yourself
Connection before correction — Relationship enables influence
Rupture and repair — Breaking connection is inevitable; repairing it is essential
Progress over perfection — Growth matters more than getting it right every time
Self-compassion enables change — Shame makes you a worse parent, not a better one

The book covers:

Why perfectionism backfires for parents and children
The neuroscience of parental stress and reactivity
Regulating yourself when triggered
Connecting before correcting
The power of repair after rupture
Letting go of the “ideal parent” fantasy
Building sustainable, joyful family life
Specific strategies for common challenges
Maintaining your own wellbeing as a parent

It’s part permission slip, part practical guide, and entirely focused on making parenting sustainable rather than heroic. 📖

The Good Stuff ✅

The “Good Enough” Concept Is Backed by Real Science

This isn’t just feel-good permission—it’s research-based:

The origin:
British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott coined “good enough mother” in the 1950s. His research showed that perfect responsiveness actually harms development.

Why perfection backfires:

For children:

They never learn to tolerate frustration
They don’t develop resilience
They can’t handle a world that won’t respond perfectly
They become anxious about maintaining the “perfect” relationship

For parents:

Impossible standards create constant failure
Chronic guilt impairs actual parenting
Perfectionism leads to burnout
Anxiety transmits to children

What children actually need:
Parents who are responsive enough—not perfectly, but adequately. Who meet needs most of the time. Who repair when they fail.

The research:
Attachment studies show that secure attachment doesn’t require perfect attunement. It requires “good enough” attunement—roughly 30% of the time in moment-to-moment interactions—plus repair when things go wrong.

The liberation:
You can fail 70% of the time in moment-to-moment attunement and still raise a securely attached child, IF you repair ruptures.

Science says you don’t have to be perfect. Science says you can’t be. 🎯

The “Regulate Yourself First” Framework Is Essential

Markham’s most practical contribution:

The truth:
You cannot regulate a dysregulated child if you are dysregulated. Your nervous system speaks to their nervous system. Chaos begets chaos. Calm begets calm.

What happens when you’re triggered:

Your amygdala fires. Stress hormones flood your system. Your prefrontal cortex goes offline. You lose access to wisdom, patience, and perspective. You react from survival brain, not parenting brain.

The result:
You say things you regret. You escalate instead of de-escalate. You model the opposite of what you’re trying to teach.

The Markham approach:

Step 1: Notice your warning signs

Racing heart
Tight jaw or shoulders
Rising voice
Hot face
Racing thoughts
“I can’t handle this” feeling

Step 2: STOP before reacting
Pause. Don’t speak. Don’t act. Just stop.

Step 3: Breathe and regulate
Three deep breaths. Unclench your jaw. Drop your shoulders. Feel your feet.

Step 4: Remind yourself
“This is not an emergency.”
“My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.”
“I can handle this.”

Step 5: Then respond
From regulated state, not reactive state.

The mantra:
“I’m the adult. I can stay calm.”

Why this matters:
Self-regulation isn’t selfish. It’s the prerequisite for effective parenting. Your calm is the most important thing you bring to any parenting challenge.

Regulate yourself first. Always. ✨

The “Repair” Emphasis Is Genuinely Liberating

The most comforting part of the “good enough” framework:

The inevitable:
You will lose your temper. You will say things you regret. You will fail to connect, to understand, to respond well. This is guaranteed.

The traditional response:
Guilt. Shame. Self-criticism. Trying harder to be perfect next time. (Spoiler: You won’t be.)

The Markham response:
Ruptures happen. Repair heals them. Repair might even strengthen the relationship.

What repair looks like:

Acknowledge:
“I yelled at you earlier. That wasn’t okay.”

Take responsibility:
“That was my mistake, not your fault. Even when I’m frustrated, I shouldn’t yell.”

Reconnect:
“I’m sorry. I love you. Can I have a hug?”

Learn:
“I’m going to work on staying calm, even when I’m frustrated.”

Why repair matters:

For children:

They learn that relationships can survive conflict
They see that people can make mistakes and make amends
They feel the relationship is secure even when imperfect
They learn how to repair their own relationships

For parents:

Release from the shame spiral
A clear path forward after failure
Evidence that perfection isn’t required
Motivation to keep trying

The counterintuitive truth:
Children who experience rupture AND repair may develop stronger attachment than children who experience less rupture. The repair is the magic.

You will fail. You can fix it. That’s enough. 💪

The Self-Compassion Emphasis Breaks the Shame Cycle

Markham argues that self-criticism makes parenting worse:

The shame cycle:

You fail at something (yell, lose patience, etc.)
You feel ashamed and guilty
Shame depletes your emotional resources
You have less capacity to regulate
You’re more likely to fail again
More shame, more depletion
Repeat

The self-compassion alternative:

You fail at something
You acknowledge it with kindness: “That was hard. I’m struggling.”
You remind yourself: “All parents struggle. This is part of the journey.”
You focus on repair and learning
You maintain emotional resources
You’re more equipped for next time

The research (Kristin Neff’s work):
Self-compassion is associated with better emotional regulation, less anxiety and depression, and more motivation to improve—more than self-criticism.

What self-compassion sounds like:

Instead of: “I’m a terrible parent. I’m ruining my children.”
Try: “I’m a good parent having a hard day. I can try again tomorrow.”

Instead of: “I should be able to handle this. What’s wrong with me?”
Try: “This is genuinely hard. It makes sense that I’m struggling.”

Instead of: “Other parents don’t lose their temper like this.”
Try: “All parents lose their temper sometimes. I’m human.”

The Markham mantra:
“I’m the parent my children need. Even when I struggle, I’m enough.”

Self-criticism doesn’t make you better. Self-compassion does. 🌟

The “Connection Before Correction” Principle Works

A core element of Markham’s approach:

The traditional pattern:
Child misbehaves → Parent corrects/punishes → Child (theoretically) learns

The problem:
Children who are disconnected don’t learn from correction. They resist, resent, or shut down. The lesson doesn’t land.

The Markham pattern:
Child misbehaves → Parent connects first → Child feels safe → Parent guides/teaches → Child actually learns

What “connection first” looks like:

Acknowledge the feeling:
“You’re really frustrated right now.”

Get on their level:
Physically lower yourself. Make eye contact.

Offer presence:
“I’m here. I see how hard this is.”

Wait for regulation:
Don’t try to teach until they’re calm.

Then address behavior:
“Hitting isn’t okay. What can you do instead when you’re that mad?”

Why this works:

Neurologically:
A dysregulated brain can’t learn. Connection activates the social engagement system, which enables regulation, which enables learning.

Relationally:
Children are more influenced by people they feel connected to. Connection earns the right to guide.

Practically:
Connected children cooperate more. Disconnected children resist more.

The counterintuitive truth:
Taking time to connect SAVES time overall. You spend less time in power struggles, repetitive corrections, and damage repair.

Connect first. Correct second. Always. 🧠

The “Emotion Coaching” Framework Builds Emotional Intelligence

Markham emphasizes teaching children to understand their emotions:

The traditional approaches:

Dismissing: “You’re fine. Stop crying.”
Disapproving: “Don’t be angry. Nice kids don’t act like that.”
Laissez-faire: “Feel whatever you feel.” (No guidance)

The emotion coaching approach:

Notice emotions:
“I see you’re getting frustrated.”

Name emotions:
“That feeling is called disappointment.”

Validate emotions:
“It makes sense you’d feel that way. Anyone would be disappointed.”

Set limits on behavior (not feelings):
“It’s okay to feel mad. It’s not okay to hit.”

Guide toward solutions:
“What could you do with that mad feeling instead?”

What this builds:

Emotional vocabulary:
Children learn to name what they feel.

Emotional acceptance:
All feelings are welcome, even hard ones.

Emotional regulation:
Recognizing emotions is the first step to managing them.

Emotional intelligence:
Understanding themselves prepares them to understand others.

The long game:
Children who are emotion-coached have better emotional regulation, better relationships, and better mental health outcomes.

Feelings are teachers, not problems. 📝

The “Peaceful Parent” Vision Is Aspirational but Grounded

Markham’s broader framework provides direction:

The vision:

A parent who:

Regulates themselves before responding
Connects before correcting
Leads with empathy
Sets limits with kindness
Repairs ruptures promptly
Maintains their own wellbeing
Raises emotionally intelligent children

Why “peaceful”:
Not passive. Not permissive. Not conflict-avoidant. But calm, centered, and regulated even in chaos.

The realistic take:
You won’t be peaceful all the time. You’ll lose it. You’ll yell. You’ll fail. That’s expected. The goal is direction, not perfection.

The progress metric:
Are you more peaceful than last year? Are your ruptures getting shorter? Are your repairs getting faster? That’s success.

The mantra:
“I’m not perfect. I’m peaceful. Most of the time. And when I’m not, I repair.”

Direction matters more than destination. 🧘

The Practical Scripts Are Immediately Usable

Unlike philosophical books, Markham provides actual language:

For the tantruming child:
“You’re so upset. I’m right here. I won’t let you hurt anyone, and I won’t leave you alone with these big feelings.”

For the defiant child:
“I hear you don’t want to. That makes sense. AND it’s time to [task]. I’ll help you get started.”

For the aggressive child:
“I won’t let you hit. You can be as mad as you want. Hitting isn’t okay. Let’s find another way to show that big mad feeling.”

For after you’ve yelled:
“I yelled at you. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. Even when I’m frustrated, I need to stay calm. I’m working on it. I love you.”

For your own regulation:
“This is not an emergency. I can handle this. My child is having a hard time. I’m the adult here.”

For daily connection:
“I love spending time with you. Tell me the best part of your day. What made you laugh today?”

Why scripts help:
In the moment, your brain freezes. Pre-loaded phrases prevent reactive responses you’ll regret.

Rehearsed responses become automatic. 🎓

The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬

“Good Enough” Can Be Misread as “Anything Goes”

The concept has a shadow side:

The intended meaning:
You don’t need to be perfect. Adequate attunement plus repair is sufficient for healthy attachment.

The potential misreading:
Whatever I’m doing is fine. No need to improve. “Good enough” means I’m already there.

The problem:
Some parenting IS harmful. Some patterns DO need to change. “Good enough” can become permission to avoid growth.

The distinction:

Good enough: Meeting needs most of the time, repairing when you fail, continuing to grow.

Not good enough: Chronic neglect, frequent harsh discipline, unrepaired ruptures, no effort to improve.

The test:
“Good enough” includes ongoing effort. If you’re using the concept to avoid looking at yourself, you’ve missed the point.

Permission to be imperfect isn’t permission to stop trying. 🚩

The “Stay Calm” Advice Can Feel Impossible

The regulation guidance, while correct, can be frustrating:

What the book says:
Regulate yourself. Stay calm. Don’t yell.

What triggered parents feel:
“I KNOW I should stay calm. I CAN’T. If I could, I would. Telling me to stay calm doesn’t help.”

The gap:
For parents with significant trauma, nervous system dysregulation, mental health challenges, or extreme stress, “just regulate yourself” isn’t simple or even possible without additional support.

What’s needed:
Acknowledgment that some parents need more than self-help strategies—they need therapy, medication, support systems, or fundamental life circumstances to change.

The honest truth:
If your nervous system is chronically dysregulated, no amount of deep breathing will fix it. You may need professional help.

What would help:
More explicit acknowledgment of when “regulate yourself” requires external support to implement.

Telling dysregulated people to regulate is incomplete advice. 😬

The Time and Energy Requirements Are Significant

This approach asks a lot:

What’s required:

Presence during difficult moments (not just getting through them)
Emotional processing of your own triggers
Active repair after ruptures
Connection before correction (takes longer)
Emotion coaching (takes time)
Self-care to maintain regulation capacity

The reality for many parents:

Working multiple jobs
Single parenting without support
Own mental health challenges
Chronic exhaustion
Crisis mode as baseline

The gap:
“Connect before you correct” takes time that survival-mode parents don’t have. “Regulate yourself” requires resources that depleted parents lack.

The honest acknowledgment:
Peaceful parenting is easier from stability. Parents in genuine crisis need different support.

What would help:
More “minimum viable” guidance for parents in survival mode. What’s the smallest version of these principles when you have nothing left?

Ideal parenting requires resources not everyone has. 💰

Neurodivergent Families Need More

Like most parenting approaches:

For neurodivergent parents:

ADHD: “Pause before reacting” is neurologically harder. “Notice your triggers” requires awareness that may not be accessible.

Autism: Emotion reading (your own and child’s) may work differently. Scripts may help more than principles.

Anxiety/Depression: Self-regulation capacity is compromised. Shame spirals are harder to escape.

Trauma: Triggers may be overwhelming despite best efforts. Nervous system dysregulation is baseline.

For neurodivergent children:

ADHD: Emotion coaching may need different pacing. Connection may look different.

Autism: Emotional attunement may manifest differently. Standard emotional vocabulary may not fit.

Sensory processing: Calm environments may need different definition.

The gap:
The “good enough” framework assumes neurotypical nervous systems in both parent and child.

What’s needed:
Explicit acknowledgment of how these principles adapt for neurodivergent families.

One framework doesn’t fit all brains. 🩺

The Evidence Base Is Mixed

While drawing on research, some claims are extrapolated:

What’s well-supported:

Attachment theory basics
Importance of repair
Problems with harsh punishment
Value of emotional attunement

What’s less established:

Specific claim that “good enough” is 30% attunement
Exact mechanisms connecting practices to outcomes
Superiority of this approach over others
Long-term outcome data for this specific framework

The honest assessment:
The approach is reasonable and aligns with research directions. It’s not a validated protocol with controlled outcome studies.

The translation issue:
“Research shows” can mean anything from “robust randomized trials” to “this aligns with theory.” The book doesn’t always distinguish.

For evidence-focused parents:
The general direction is supported. The specific claims deserve appropriate humility.

Research-informed isn’t the same as research-proven. 🔬

The “Never Punish” Stance May Be Too Absolute

Markham strongly discourages punishment:

The argument:
Punishment damages relationship, models aggression, creates fear, and doesn’t teach.

The position:
No spanking, no time-outs, no taking things away—connection and natural consequences only.

The potential problem:

For some families:
Complete rejection of all consequences may not match values or circumstances.

For some children:
Some may need clearer external limits while developing internal regulation.

For some behaviors:
Safety issues may require immediate intervention that looks like punishment.

The nuance needed:
The distinction between punitive punishment and appropriate limits can get lost in absolute statements.

The middle ground:
Limits can be held firmly AND kindly. Consequences can exist without cruelty. The binary of “punishment or peaceful parenting” may be false.

Nuance may serve families better than absolutes. ⚠️

The “Do Your Own Work” Ask Can Become Overwhelming

The emphasis on parental healing:

The message:
Your triggers come from your history. Healing yourself heals your parenting.

The truth:
This is accurate. Your unresolved stuff does affect your parenting.

The potential burden:
Parents who take this seriously may feel they need to:

Process all their childhood trauma
Understand every trigger
Heal every wound
Become a fully self-actualized person

…before they can be “good enough.”

The irony:
A framework meant to reduce perfectionism can create perfectionism about healing.

The balance:
You can work on your stuff AND be a good enough parent right now. You don’t have to be fully healed to be helpful.

The realistic take:
Some healing happens through parenting, not before it. You can grow alongside your children.

Don’t let “do your work” become another impossible standard. 😰

Who Is This For? 🎯

Perfect if you:

Struggle with parenting perfectionism and self-criticism
Carry significant guilt about your parenting failures
Want permission to be imperfect while still trying hard
Are interested in attachment-based, connection-focused approaches
Have capacity for self-reflection and personal growth
Want practical strategies alongside philosophical framework
Need help with emotional regulation (yours and theirs)
Find gentler parenting approaches resonate with your values

Not ideal if you:

Are in survival mode without bandwidth for self-reflection
Have significant trauma or mental health challenges needing professional support
Have neurodivergent children needing specialized approaches
Want research-validated protocols with strong evidence bases
Prefer clear rules and consequences over connection-focused approaches
Find the “never punish” stance too absolute for your family
Already struggle with low standards and need motivation to try harder
Are looking for quick fixes rather than deep change

Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Laura Markham: Her comprehensive guide with more practical strategies. Essential companion if the “good enough” concept resonates. 🏆

Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff: The research foundation for why self-compassion matters. Not specifically about parenting but essential for implementing the approach.

Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell: Deeper exploration of how your history affects your parenting. More neuroscience, complementary perspective.

No-Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson: Brain-science approach to discipline that aligns with Markham’s connection-first philosophy.

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids by Carla Naumburg: More humor, similar message. Better if you want the permission without the philosophical depth.

Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy: Similar philosophy with different framing. The “good inside” approach complements “good enough” parenting. 📚

The Final Verdict 🏅

Dr. Laura Markham’s approach to Good Enough Parenting offers something rare in parenting literature: genuine permission to be imperfect. The research-backed argument that children need adequate attunement plus repair—not perfection—is both scientifically sound and emotionally liberating.

For parents drowning in guilt, trapped in shame cycles, and exhausted by impossible standards, this framework offers a lifeline. You don’t have to be perfect. You have to be present, repair when you fail, and keep growing. That’s genuinely enough.

However, the approach has limitations. “Good enough” can be misread as permission to stop trying. The “regulate yourself” advice is incomplete for significantly dysregulated parents. The time and emotional resources required aren’t available to everyone. And the absolute stance against punishment may be too rigid for some families.

The useful parts:

“Good enough” research basis: Science says perfection isn’t needed
Regulate yourself first: Essential, foundational truth
Repair emphasis: Liberation from the shame spiral
Self-compassion focus: Breaks the guilt cycle
Connection before correction: Effective and relationship-preserving
Emotion coaching framework: Builds emotional intelligence
Practical scripts: Immediately usable language

The problematic parts:

“Good enough” misreading: Can become permission to avoid growth
“Stay calm” frustration: Incomplete for significantly dysregulated parents
Resource requirements: Harder from survival mode
Neurodivergent gaps: Doesn’t address different needs
Evidence limitations: Research-informed, not research-proven
Anti-punishment absolutism: May be too rigid
“Do your work” burden: Can become another impossible standard

The best approach: Embrace the permission to be imperfect while maintaining commitment to growth. Use “good enough” as liberation from perfectionism, not as permission to stop trying. Focus on repair when you fail rather than shame about failing. And seek additional support if self-regulation feels impossible despite best efforts.

The bottom line: Good Enough Parenting addresses something essential: the way perfectionism actually makes us worse parents. Shame depletes. Self-criticism exhausts. Impossible standards guarantee failure.

The alternative isn’t lowered standards. It’s realistic ones.

You will fail your children. You will lose your temper, miss the moment, say the wrong thing, react when you should respond. This is not possible to avoid.

What’s possible is repair. What’s possible is learning. What’s possible is showing up tomorrow and trying again, not from guilt but from love.

Your children don’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be present. They need you to repair when you rupture. They need you to model how humans handle imperfection—with grace, with honesty, with commitment to growth.

That’s good enough parenting. And it turns out, good enough is actually quite good.

You’re not ruining your children. You’re raising them. Imperfectly, humanly, lovingly.

That’s enough.

You’re enough.

Even on the hard days—especially on the hard days—you’re enough. 💛✨

How do you handle parenting perfectionism? What helps you recover from the guilt spiral after a bad moment? How do you practice repair with your children? Share your experiences and strategies below!

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