A review from someone whose kid’s meltdowns had become the defining feature of family life—and found an approach that finally made sense of the chaos
Your child is explosive. You know it. The school knows it. The neighbors probably know it too.
The meltdowns aren’t ordinary tantrums. They’re volcanic. Disproportionate. Terrifying. A request to turn off the TV becomes a screaming, throwing, sometimes violent episode that lasts an hour. A change in plans triggers a complete shutdown. The word “no” is a detonator.
You’ve tried everything. Consequences. Rewards. Timeouts. Reasoning. Yelling. Ignoring. Being firmer. Being gentler. Nothing works consistently. Nothing makes sense.
The advice you get doesn’t help either. “Be more consistent.” You’re consistent—it doesn’t matter. “Don’t give in.” You don’t give in—the explosion happens anyway. “Show them who’s boss.” You’ve tried—it makes everything worse.
Everyone acts like you’re doing something wrong. Like if you just parented better, this wouldn’t happen. But you have other kids who respond to normal parenting. This child is different. And no one seems to understand.
Dr. Ross W. Greene’s The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children finally offers an approach that makes sense. It’s built on a revolutionary premise: kids do well if they can. If they’re not doing well, something is getting in the way—and punishment won’t fix it.
It’s the parenting book that stops blaming and starts solving. But does the approach actually work? Let’s find out.
🎧 Want the Audiobook for FREE?
Before we dive in, here’s a little-known trick to get this audiobook at no cost:
- Click the link above to view The Explosive Child on Amazon
- Look for the “+ Audiobook” option when selecting your format
- Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial
- Receive the full audiobook as part of your trial
- Keep the audiobook forever—even if you cancel the trial before it renews!
Listen while recovering from the latest meltdown. Cancel within 30 days, pay nothing, and keep the audiobook permanently. Greene’s calm, methodical approach is soothing even in audio form. 🎧📚
What Is This Book? 🤔
The Explosive Child presents Dr. Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model for understanding and helping children who are easily frustrated, chronically inflexible, and prone to explosive outbursts. Now in its sixth edition, it has transformed how parents, educators, and clinicians think about challenging behavior.
The format:
- Clear explanation of the CPS philosophy
- Detailed breakdown of the approach
- Extensive dialogue examples
- Troubleshooting for common problems
- Guidance for schools and other settings
- Case studies throughout
- Practical, step-by-step guidance
The core philosophy:
“Kids do well if they can.”
If a child isn’t doing well, it’s because they lack the skills to handle certain demands—not because they lack motivation, want attention, or need firmer discipline.
The paradigm shift:
- Traditional view: Challenging behavior is willful; the child needs motivation (rewards/punishments) to behave better
- Greene’s view: Challenging behavior results from lagging skills; the child needs help developing those skills
The coverage:
- Why traditional approaches don’t work for these kids
- The skills that explosive children lack
- Identifying specific unsolved problems
- The three options for handling problems (Plan A, B, C)
- Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (Plan B) in detail
- Common implementation challenges
- Applying the approach at school
- When medication is appropriate
- The long-term outlook
The lagging skills identified:
- Flexibility/adaptability
- Frustration tolerance
- Problem-solving
- Emotional regulation
- Shifting cognitive set
- Considering multiple solutions
- Expressing concerns in words
- Managing time
- Predicting outcomes
- And more…
It’s the manual for the child who doesn’t respond to normal parenting. 📖
The Good Stuff ✅
“Kids Do Well If They Can” Changes Everything
The foundational reframe:
The traditional assumption:
Kids do well if they want to. If they’re not doing well, they need more motivation—rewards for good behavior, consequences for bad.
Greene’s premise:
Kids do well if they can. If they’re not doing well, something is preventing them—lacking skills, facing demands that exceed their capacity.
The implication:
Your explosive child isn’t choosing to explode. They’re not manipulating you. They’re not seeking attention. They don’t enjoy the meltdowns. They lack the skills to handle certain demands.
The evidence:
Does your child WANT to have meltdowns that leave them exhausted, ashamed, and in trouble? Do they ENJOY being the “problem child”? Of course not.
The compassion:
This reframe allows compassion to replace blame. Your child isn’t bad—they’re struggling.
The practical shift:
Instead of “How do I motivate better behavior?” ask “What skill is lacking, and how do I help develop it?”
Foundational reframe transforms everything. 🎯
The Lagging Skills Framework Is Clarifying
Why they explode (specifically):
The vagueness eliminated:
Instead of “he has behavior problems,” you identify specific lagging skills.
The common lagging skills:
Difficulty handling transitions:
Can’t shift from one activity or mindset to another without distress.
Inflexibility:
Struggles when things don’t go as expected, when rules change, when plans shift.
Poor frustration tolerance:
Reaches explosive threshold quickly; small frustrations become big ones.
Difficulty expressing needs/concerns:
Can’t articulate what’s wrong; goes from zero to explosion without words.
Limited problem-solving:
Can’t think of alternative solutions in the moment; stuck on one path.
Difficulty seeing another’s perspective:
Can’t understand why their solution isn’t the only solution.
Difficulty managing emotional response:
Emotions escalate quickly; can’t de-escalate once started.
The identification:
Greene helps you identify YOUR child’s specific lagging skills—not a generic list.
The targeting:
Once you know the specific deficits, you can target them specifically.
Specific skill deficits identified. ✨
Unsolved Problems Are Made Concrete
From general issues to specific situations:
The abstraction problem:
“He has anger issues” doesn’t tell you what to do.
The unsolved problem approach:
Identify specific, predictable situations that consistently trigger explosions.
The examples:
- Difficulty getting ready for school in the morning
- Difficulty transitioning from screen time
- Difficulty accepting “no” when requesting treats
- Difficulty when plans change unexpectedly
- Difficulty sharing toys with sibling
The predictability:
Most explosions aren’t random. They cluster around specific, predictable situations. These are your unsolved problems.
The prioritization:
You can’t solve everything at once. Pick the most important unsolved problems to address first.
The traction:
Concrete problems can be solved. Abstract “behavior issues” cannot.
Problems made concrete and solvable. 💪
Plan B (Collaborative & Proactive Solutions) Is Detailed
The actual methodology:
The three options:
Plan A: Impose your will (traditional parenting)
- Works for most kids
- Triggers explosions in these kids
- Should be used rarely, only for safety issues
Plan C: Drop the expectation entirely (for now)
- Not giving in—strategically choosing battles
- Reduces explosions by reducing demands
- Buys time while you work on higher-priority problems
Plan B: Collaborative & Proactive Solutions
- The core of Greene’s approach
- Address problems collaboratively WITH the child
- Develop skills while solving problems
The three steps of Plan B:
Step 1 – Empathy:
Gather information about the child’s concern. “I’ve noticed that [unsolved problem]. What’s up?”
Step 2 – Define Adult Concerns:
Share your concern about the same situation. “My concern is…”
Step 3 – Invitation:
Collaborate on a solution that addresses both concerns. “Let’s think about how we can solve this problem.”
The proactive:
Plan B is done proactively—BEFORE the problem situation, not during a meltdown.
The skill-building:
The process itself builds the skills the child lacks: problem-solving, flexibility, perspective-taking, verbal expression.
Methodology clearly explained. 🌟
The Dialogue Examples Are Extensive
What it actually sounds like:
The value:
Theory is one thing. Knowing what to actually say is another.
The format:
Greene provides extensive sample dialogues showing Plan B conversations—including when they don’t go smoothly.
The realistic:
Kids don’t always cooperate perfectly. The examples show how to handle “I don’t know,” silence, deflection, and other challenges.
Example excerpt:
Parent: “I’ve noticed that when it’s time to stop playing video games, things don’t go so well. What’s up?”
Child: “I don’t know.”
Parent: “Well, let’s think about it. Is it that you’re not ready to stop? Or that you don’t like what you have to do next? Or something else?”
Child: “I’m never ready to stop.”
Parent: “You’re never ready to stop. So stopping feels really hard. Is there anything else that makes it difficult?”
The learning:
You can read the dialogues, practice them, internalize the rhythm.
The troubleshooting:
Greene addresses common problems: the child who won’t engage, the child who proposes unworkable solutions, the conversation that stalls.
Extensive practical examples. 🛡️
It Addresses Why Traditional Approaches Fail
Validating your experience:
The confusion:
You’ve tried consequences. You’ve tried rewards. You’ve been consistent. Why doesn’t it work?
The explanation:
These approaches assume the child has the skills but lacks motivation. But if the child lacks skills, motivation-based approaches don’t address the actual problem.
The analogy:
If a child couldn’t read, you wouldn’t motivate them with rewards and punishments. You’d teach reading. Behavioral skills are the same.
The failure of consequences:
Punishment after an explosion doesn’t build the skills needed to prevent the next one. The child already feels terrible about the meltdown.
The failure of rewards:
Promising rewards doesn’t give the child the capacity to handle frustration, think flexibly, or regulate emotions.
The relief:
It’s not that you did the wrong technique poorly. The technique itself doesn’t fit this child.
Validates failed traditional approaches. 📝
The Long-Term Skill Development Focus
Building capacity, not just managing behavior:
The quick fix problem:
Most behavioral approaches try to stop the immediate behavior. They don’t build underlying skills.
The CPS difference:
Every Plan B conversation builds skills—problem-solving, flexibility, perspective-taking, verbal expression, frustration tolerance.
The generalization:
Skills developed solving one problem transfer to other problems. The child becomes more capable overall.
The independence:
The goal isn’t a child who needs constant accommodation. It’s a child who develops the skills to handle life’s demands.
The trajectory:
Most explosive children, with appropriate support, develop the skills they need and become less explosive over time.
The investment:
Plan B takes more time upfront but builds lasting capacity.
Long-term skill development. 🧠
The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬
Plan B Takes Time and Energy
Not a quick intervention:
The process:
Each Plan B conversation requires:
- Identifying the unsolved problem
- Finding time to talk proactively
- Working through the three steps
- Following up on solutions
- Revising when solutions don’t work
The reality:
Exhausted, overwhelmed parents may struggle to find the bandwidth.
The upfront investment:
Plan B is harder than traditional parenting initially—though potentially easier in the long run.
The patience required:
Results aren’t immediate. Skill development takes time.
The risk:
Parents may try Plan B a few times, not see immediate results, and abandon it.
Requires significant time investment. 😬
The Approach Requires Buy-In From All Adults
Consistency across caregivers:
The challenge:
Plan B works best when all caregivers use it consistently—both parents, grandparents, teachers.
The reality:
Not everyone will buy in. Partners may disagree. Schools may resist. Grandparents may think it’s “coddling.”
The undermining:
When one adult uses Plan A while another uses Plan B, the child gets mixed messages and the approach is weakened.
The guidance gap:
Greene addresses this but could provide more strategies for getting reluctant adults on board.
The schools:
Getting schools to implement CPS can be particularly challenging (though Greene has resources for this).
Requires multi-adult buy-in. 🚩
Some Children Have Underlying Conditions
CPS may not be sufficient alone:
The reality:
Many explosive children have underlying conditions: ADHD, autism, anxiety disorders, learning disabilities, sensory processing differences.
The implication:
CPS addresses skill deficits but may not address underlying neurodevelopmental issues.
The integration needed:
For some children, CPS works best alongside other interventions—medication, therapy, sensory accommodations.
The gap:
The book focuses on CPS as the primary approach. Integration with other treatments could be more thoroughly addressed.
The professional guidance:
Complex cases may need professional support beyond what the book provides.
May need integration with other interventions. 📉
Step 1 (Empathy) Can Be Challenging
Getting information from the child:
The requirement:
Plan B requires understanding the child’s concern. This requires the child to articulate it.
The problem:
Many explosive children struggle to articulate their concerns—that’s one of their lagging skills.
The common responses:
“I don’t know.” Silence. “Nothing.” Shrugging.
The troubleshooting:
Greene provides strategies for drilling down, offering possibilities, and being patient. But it remains challenging.
The practice:
This step takes practice. Many parents struggle initially.
The discouragement:
When you can’t get information, Plan B stalls. Parents may give up.
Step 1 challenging with some kids. 😬
Solutions Don’t Always Work
The iteration problem:
The reality:
First solutions often don’t work. They need refinement.
The process:
Try a solution, see if it works, return to Plan B if it doesn’t, develop a new solution.
The patience:
This iterative process takes time and persistence.
The discouragement:
When solutions fail, parents may feel the approach doesn’t work—rather than recognizing that iteration is part of the process.
The expectation:
Expecting first solutions to work perfectly sets up disappointment.
Solutions require iteration. 📉
The Book Is Repetitive
Core concepts repeated extensively:
The observation:
The fundamental concepts are explained, then re-explained, then illustrated, then re-explained.
The effect:
Some readers may find the repetition tedious.
The reason:
Greene wants to ensure the paradigm shift is fully understood—and repetition helps.
The preference:
Some readers appreciate the reinforcement. Others find it padded.
The solution:
If you’ve grasped the concept, skim repeated explanations.
Repetitive content. 😬
“Explosive” May Not Fit All Challenging Kids
Label limitations:
The title:
“The Explosive Child” centers kids whose challenges manifest as outward explosions.
The others:
Some challenging kids implode rather than explode—shutting down, withdrawing, refusing.
The applicability:
CPS works for these children too, but they may not identify with the “explosive” framing.
The marketing:
Some parents whose kids are more anxious-avoidant than explosive may not find this book.
The broader application:
Greene’s approach applies to chronically inflexible kids regardless of whether they explode or implode.
Title may not capture all relevant kids. 📉
School Implementation Is Hard
The real-world challenge:
The recommendation:
Greene encourages implementing CPS at school.
The reality:
- Teachers have 25+ students
- Schools have disciplinary policies
- Traditional behavior management is entrenched
- Teachers may not be trained in CPS
- Time for Plan B conversations is limited
The gap:
The book could more directly address the challenges of school implementation and provide more realistic guidance.
The resources:
Greene has other materials specifically for schools, but this book’s school guidance is limited.
School implementation challenging. 😬
Who Is This For? 🎯
Perfect if you:
- Have a child prone to severe, disproportionate meltdowns
- Have tried traditional discipline without success
- Want to understand WHY your child explodes
- Are willing to invest time in a new approach
- Can get other caregivers on board
- Want to build your child’s skills, not just manage behavior
- Are ready for a paradigm shift in how you view challenging behavior
Not ideal if you:
- Want quick, simple solutions
- Have a child whose behavior responds to typical approaches
- Can’t get co-parents or schools on board
- Don’t have bandwidth for extensive Plan B conversations
- Need guidance for underlying conditions (autism, ADHD) specifically
- Prefer step-by-step scripts without conceptual framework
- Have a child in immediate crisis needing intensive intervention
Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄
Raising Human Beings by Ross W. Greene: Greene’s broader parenting book applying CPS to all children, not just explosive ones. If this book resonates, that’s the natural next read. 🏆
Lost at School by Ross W. Greene: Applies CPS specifically to school settings. Essential if school behavior is a major concern.
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Brain science approach to child development. Helps understand what’s happening neurologically during meltdowns.
No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Similar philosophy about connecting before correcting. Good complement for less explosive moments.
The Out-of-Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz: If sensory issues contribute to your child’s explosions, this is essential background.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham: Connection-based approach that complements CPS. Focuses on parental self-regulation. 📚
The Final Verdict 🏅
The Explosive Child offers something rare and valuable: an approach to challenging behavior that actually makes sense and actually works for kids who don’t respond to conventional methods.
The paradigm shift—from “kids do well if they want to” to “kids do well if they can”—is transformative. It replaces blame with understanding, punishment with problem-solving, and frustration with compassion. And the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model provides a concrete methodology for putting this philosophy into practice.
For parents exhausted by meltdowns, frustrated by failed interventions, and wondering what’s wrong with their child (or themselves), this book offers hope. Your child isn’t broken. They lack certain skills. And skills can be developed.
However, the approach requires significant time, energy, and consistency. Getting all caregivers on board is challenging. Some children need additional interventions alongside CPS. And the iterative process of developing and refining solutions requires patience many stressed parents struggle to muster.
The useful parts:
- “Kids do well if they can” transforms understanding
- Lagging skills framework clarifies the problem
- Unsolved problems made concrete and addressable
- Plan B methodology clearly explained
- Extensive dialogue examples
- Validates failure of traditional approaches
- Long-term skill development focus
The problematic parts:
- Plan B takes significant time and energy
- Requires buy-in from all caregivers
- May need integration with other interventions
- Step 1 (Empathy) challenging with some kids
- Solutions require iteration
- Content can be repetitive
- School implementation is hard
The best approach: Read for the paradigm shift first. Let “kids do well if they can” change how you see your child. Then identify the top two or three unsolved problems causing the most difficulty. Start Plan B conversations on ONE of them. Master the process before expanding. Be patient—this is skill development, not a quick fix.
The bottom line: The Explosive Child answers the desperate question parents of challenging children ask: “Why can’t my child just behave like other kids?”
The answer isn’t what you expected: They can’t because they lack the skills. Not the motivation—the skills.
They don’t want to have meltdowns. They don’t enjoy being in trouble constantly. They don’t wake up thinking “How can I ruin today?”
They’re doing the best they can with the skills they have. When the demands of a situation exceed their capacity to respond adaptively, they explode. Not because they’re bad. Because they’re stuck.
Your job isn’t to motivate better behavior. It’s to help develop the skills that make better behavior possible. And to solve the problems that consistently exceed their current capacity—collaboratively, proactively, with their input.
It’s not quick. It’s not easy. But it works. And it treats your child as a partner in solving problems rather than a problem to be solved.
That’s not just more effective. It’s more respectful. More humane. More likely to preserve the relationship you need with this child for the long haul.
Your explosive child is struggling. Greene shows you how to help—not by controlling them, but by collaborating with them.
Because kids do well if they can. And with your help, they can. 💥➡️💙✨
Did The Explosive Child change how you understand your child’s meltdowns? What was the hardest part of implementing Plan B? What breakthroughs did you experience? Share your experience below!
Leave a Reply