UA review from someone who worried kids today are more narcissistic than ever—and found a research-backed roadmap for raising empathetic humans in a self-obsessed worldnSelfie by Michele Borba: A Deep Dive Review

You’ve noticed it. The constant selfies. The obsession with likes and followers. The kids who seem unable to consider anyone’s perspective but their own. The studies showing empathy declining while narcissism rises.

You worry about your own kids. Are they developing empathy? Can they see beyond themselves? Will they become adults who care about others, or will they be part of a generation so focused on self-promotion that genuine human connection becomes impossible?

You want to raise kind kids. Empathetic kids. Kids who notice when someone is struggling and actually do something about it. But how do you cultivate empathy in a culture that rewards self-focus? How do you teach perspective-taking when screens dominate attention? How do you raise “we” kids in a “me” world?

Dr. Michele Borba’s UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World tackles exactly this challenge. It’s a research-driven guide to developing empathy in children—not as a nice-to-have trait, but as a crucial capacity that predicts success, happiness, and resilience.

It’s the parenting book that makes empathy practical. But does the research hold up? And are the strategies actually usable? Let’s find out.

🎧 Want the Audiobook for FREE?

Before we dive in, here’s a little-known trick to get this audiobook at no cost:

Click the link above to view UnSelfie on Amazon
Look for the “+ Audiobook” option when selecting your format
Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial
Receive the full audiobook as part of your trial
Keep the audiobook forever—even if you cancel the trial before it renews!

Listen while driving, exercising, or during any moment you can steal. Cancel within 30 days, pay nothing, and keep the audiobook permanently. Borba’s engaging style translates well to audio. 🎧📚

What Is This Book? 🤔

UnSelfie is a comprehensive guide to raising empathetic children, built on Dr. Borba’s extensive research and her “Empathy Advantage” framework. Rather than treating empathy as a single trait, she breaks it into nine teachable habits that parents can deliberately cultivate.

The format:

Nine habits organized into three parts
Research citations throughout
Practical strategies and activities
Age-appropriate adaptations
Real-world examples and case studies
Action plans at the end of each chapter

The nine empathy habits:

Part One: Developing Empathy

Emotional Literacy: Recognizing feelings in self and others
Moral Identity: Developing an ethical self-image
Perspective Taking: Seeing others’ viewpoints

Part Two: Practicing Empathy

Moral Imagination: Using stories to build empathy
Self-Regulation: Managing emotions to care about others
Kindness: Practicing compassion in action

Part Three: Living Empathy

Collaboration: Working with diverse others
Moral Courage: Speaking up for what’s right
Altruistic Leadership: Changing the world

The philosophy:
Empathy is not innate—it’s learned. It’s not soft—it’s strategic. And it’s not optional—it’s essential for success in the modern world. Parents can teach empathy deliberately, and children who develop it thrive.

It’s the empathy curriculum your school probably doesn’t teach. 📖

The Good Stuff ✅

The Research Is Extensive and Compelling

This isn’t opinion—it’s evidence:

The foundation:
Borba draws on neuroscience, developmental psychology, education research, and longitudinal studies throughout.

The empathy crisis data:

College students’ empathy declined 40% between 1979 and 2009
Narcissism increased 58% in the same period
Kids today are more stressed, anxious, and disconnected than previous generations

The success connection:
Research showing empathy predicts academic achievement, career success, relationship quality, mental health, and even physical health.

The neuroplasticity hope:
Brain research demonstrating empathy can be developed at any age. It’s not fixed—it’s teachable.

The credibility:
When Borba makes claims, she backs them up. This isn’t feel-good fluff—it’s evidence-based guidance.

Research-driven confidence. 🎯

Empathy Is Broken Into Teachable Components

Not vague—specific:

The problem with “teach empathy”:
It’s too broad. Where do you start? What do you actually do?

Borba’s solution:
Break empathy into nine specific, teachable habits. Each habit has concrete strategies, activities, and milestones.

The clarity:
Instead of “help your child be more empathetic,” you get “here’s how to develop emotional literacy” with specific activities.

The progression:
The habits build on each other. Start with recognizing emotions, build to perspective-taking, progress to moral action.

The practicality:
Every chapter ends with action items you can implement immediately.

Abstract made concrete. ✨

It Addresses the Digital Age Challenge

Screen time and empathy:

The connection:
Borba explores how digital communication reduces face-to-face interaction, which is where empathy develops.

The research:
Studies showing that reading facial expressions, practicing in-person communication, and experiencing others’ emotions in real-time build empathy in ways screens can’t replicate.

The guidance:
Not “ban all screens” but thoughtful approaches to maintaining human connection in a digital world.

The specific concerns:

Cyberbullying and the distance effect
Social media and comparison culture
Decreased face-to-face time
Reduced play and unstructured interaction

The balance:
Acknowledges technology is here to stay while providing strategies for mitigating its empathy-reducing effects.

Digital age wisdom. 💪

The Moral Courage Chapter Is Essential

Empathy without action is incomplete:

The distinction:
Feeling for others matters. Acting on that feeling matters more.

The problem:
Kids might feel empathy but not act—bystanders who watch bullying without intervening, witnesses who don’t speak up.

The content:

Why people don’t act even when they care
How to develop the courage to stand up
Strategies for speaking up safely
Moving from empathy to advocacy

The practical tools:
Scripts for intervening. Ways to practice standing up. Building a moral vocabulary.

The importance:
Empathy that doesn’t translate to action isn’t enough. Borba pushes past feeling to doing.

Feeling to action. 🌟

It Covers All Ages

From toddlers to teens:

The range:
Each habit includes age-appropriate strategies for different developmental stages.

The examples:

Emotional literacy for preschoolers (feelings faces, emotion words)
Perspective-taking for elementary kids (literature, role-playing)
Moral courage for teenagers (bystander intervention, advocacy)

The adaptation:
Same core principles, different applications depending on developmental capacity.

The longevity:
One book that grows with your family rather than needing different resources for each stage.

The specificity:
Not just “adapt for your child’s age” but specific activities for different age ranges.

Comprehensive age coverage. 🛡️

The “Moral Identity” Concept Is Powerful

Who you are, not just what you do:

The idea:
Children who see themselves as empathetic, kind, and ethical are more likely to act that way. Identity drives behavior.

The research:
Studies showing that praising character (“you’re a kind person”) is more effective than praising action (“that was a kind thing to do”).

The application:
Help children develop a self-concept that includes empathy as core to who they are.

The strategies:

Language that reinforces moral identity
Pointing out empathetic actions and connecting them to character
Creating family identity around caring
Avoiding labels that undermine moral self-concept

The subtlety:
This isn’t manipulation—it’s helping children see what’s genuinely true about themselves.

Identity shapes behavior. 📝

It Provides Specific Activities

Not just principles—practices:

The usefulness:
Every chapter includes concrete activities you can do with your children.

Examples:

For emotional literacy:
Create a feelings vocabulary list. Practice identifying emotions in photos. Check in about feelings daily.

For perspective-taking:
“Two Sides” exercise examining multiple viewpoints. Literature discussions about characters’ motivations. Role-reversal games.

For moral imagination:
Selecting books with empathetic themes. Discussing ethical dilemmas from stories. Creating family book clubs focused on character.

For kindness:
Kindness challenges. Service projects appropriate to age. Noticing and naming kindness in daily life.

The implementation:
You can read a chapter and do something concrete that day.

Theory plus practice. 🧠

The Not-So-Good Stuff 😬

It Can Feel Overwhelming

Nine habits is a lot:

The volume:
Nine empathy habits, each with multiple strategies, activities, and considerations. Plus all the research. Plus age adaptations.

The effect:
Parents might feel overwhelmed about where to start or how to implement everything.

The reality:
You’re not going to do all of this. You can’t. Life is already overwhelming.

The solution:
Pick one or two habits to focus on. Don’t try to overhaul everything simultaneously.

The missing guidance:
More emphasis on prioritization and where to start would help.

Could be more focused. 😬

The Research Can Feel Dense

Academic depth has trade-offs:

The strength:
Extensive research citations build credibility and allow deeper exploration.

The weakness:
Some readers might find the research-heavy sections slow or academic.

The balance:
Borba writes accessibly, but it’s still denser than pure practical guides.

The preference:
Some parents want “just tell me what to do.” This book provides more context than that.

The adaptation:
Skim research sections if you want, focus on strategies.

Research-heavy for some readers. 🚩

The Activities Require Time and Energy

Implementation isn’t passive:

The reality:
Many strategies require dedicated time—reading together, doing activities, having discussions.

The challenge:
Overwhelmed, time-poor parents may struggle to add more to their plates.

The assumption:
You have bandwidth for deliberate empathy cultivation activities.

The gap:
For families struggling with basic logistics, structured empathy activities may feel like luxury.

The acknowledgment:
Borba occasionally addresses busy families, but the core approach assumes available time.

Requires implementation energy. 📉

Cultural Assumptions Present

Western, educated perspective:

The lens:
American, middle-class, progressive values assumed throughout.

The examples:
School contexts, extracurricular activities, family structures that don’t represent all experiences.

The empathy definition:
A particular cultural understanding of empathy—individual-focused, emotion-centered, verbally expressed.

The limitation:
Different cultures may conceptualize and cultivate empathy differently. These alternatives aren’t explored.

The adaptation needed:
Families from different cultural backgrounds will need to translate concepts.

Cultural specificity not examined. 😬

School Recommendations May Not Apply

Not everyone can change their school:

The content:
Borba includes extensive recommendations for schools and educators.

The reality:
Most parents reading this book can’t change their child’s school curriculum or practices.

The frustration:
Reading about what schools should do when you can’t influence your school.

The relevance:
School-focused content is less actionable for parents than home-focused content.

The audience confusion:
Is this book for parents or educators? Both, but parents may skim school sections.

School content less actionable for parents. 📉

Some Strategies Feel Dated

Cultural references age:

The examples:
Some references to media, technology, and cultural touchpoints feel like they’re from a specific era.

The rapidly changing landscape:
Social media evolves quickly. What was relevant when written may be less relevant now.

The principles:
Core empathy principles remain valid even if specific examples age.

The update needed:
A refreshed edition addressing current social media landscape would strengthen the book.

The minor impact:
This doesn’t undermine the core content, but occasionally feels dated.

Some cultural references aged. 😬

The Empathy-Success Connection Can Feel Instrumental

Are we cultivating empathy for the right reasons?

The framing:
Borba emphasizes that empathy leads to success—academic achievement, career advancement, relationship satisfaction.

The question:
Are we teaching empathy because it’s morally right, or because it benefits our kids’ outcomes?

The tension:
Framing empathy instrumentally (it helps you succeed) versus intrinsically (it’s the right way to be human).

The nuance:
Borba does address intrinsic value, but the “Empathy Advantage” framing emphasizes benefits.

The philosophical concern:
If we teach kids empathy so they’ll succeed, is that actually empathy or strategic social intelligence?

Instrumental framing raises questions. 📉

Limited Guidance for Kids Who Struggle

What if your child isn’t naturally empathetic?

The gap:
Less guidance for children who genuinely struggle with empathy—whether due to temperament, neurodevelopment, or other factors.

The assumption:
With the right approach, empathy develops relatively naturally.

The reality:
Some kids have significant challenges with perspective-taking, emotional recognition, or social connection.

The conditions:
Autism, ADHD, attachment issues, and other factors can complicate empathy development.

The supplemental resources needed:
Families dealing with these challenges need specialized guidance beyond this book.

Limited coverage of significant empathy struggles. 😬

Who Is This For? 🎯

Perfect if you:

Worry about raising kids in a self-focused culture
Want research-backed guidance on character development
Are willing to invest time in deliberate empathy cultivation
Appreciate understanding the “why” behind strategies
Want a comprehensive framework covering multiple dimensions
Have children at various developmental stages
Value both academic success and character

Not ideal if you:

Want quick, simple tips without research context
Don’t have bandwidth for activity-based approaches
Have a child with significant empathy challenges needing specialized help
Prefer purely practical guides without theory
Want culturally diverse perspectives on empathy
Need guidance specific to neurodivergent children
Are overwhelmed and need to simplify, not add more

Alternatives Worth Considering 🔄

Raising Good Humans by Hunter Clarke-Fields: Mindfulness-based approach to raising kind, compassionate kids. Shorter, more focused on parent self-awareness. 🏆

How to Raise a Wild Child by Scott D. Sampson: Develops empathy through nature connection. Different angle on compassion and perspective-taking.

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Brain science approach to emotional development. Strong foundation for understanding empathy neurologically.

Raising Human Beings by Ross W. Greene: Collaborative problem-solving approach. Good for kids who struggle with typical empathy development.

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham: Connection-based parenting that naturally supports empathy development. Less focused on empathy specifically, but builds foundation.

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel: Character development through a different lens—resilience, self-reliance, and gratitude. Complementary perspective. 📚

The Final Verdict 🏅

UnSelfie succeeds at something crucial: it makes empathy development concrete and actionable. Rather than leaving parents with vague encouragement to “raise kind kids,” Borba provides a systematic framework with specific, implementable strategies.

The research foundation is solid. The nine habits provide clear structure. The activities give you something to actually do. And the urgency is warranted—we are raising children in a culture that often undermines empathy, and deliberate cultivation is necessary.

For parents who sense their kids need help developing compassion, perspective-taking, and concern for others—and who want evidence-based guidance rather than platitudes—this book delivers.

However, the comprehensive approach can overwhelm. The research depth won’t appeal to everyone. The activities require time and energy many families don’t have. And children with significant empathy challenges need more specialized guidance than this book provides.

The useful parts:

Extensive research foundation builds credibility
Nine habits make empathy teachable and specific
Digital age challenges directly addressed
Moral courage chapter pushes feeling to action
Age-appropriate strategies throughout
Moral identity concept is powerful
Specific activities for immediate implementation

The problematic parts:

Nine habits can feel overwhelming
Research-heavy for some readers
Activities require time and energy
Cultural assumptions not examined
School recommendations less actionable for parents
Some cultural references dated
Limited guidance for significant empathy struggles

The best approach: Don’t try to implement all nine habits simultaneously. Start with emotional literacy—it’s foundational. Add perspective-taking next. Build gradually. Use the book as a reference to return to over years, not a curriculum to complete in months. And remember that modeling empathy yourself teaches more than any activity.

The bottom line: UnSelfie answers the anxious question many modern parents carry: “How do I raise kids who care about others in a world that rewards self-focus?”

The answer isn’t complicated: empathy is teachable. It develops through practice. And parents can create conditions that cultivate it deliberately.

Your children aren’t destined to be part of the narcissism epidemic. They can learn to see beyond themselves—to recognize emotions, take perspectives, feel for others, and act on that feeling.

But it won’t happen automatically. Not in this cultural moment. Not with screens competing for attention and social media rewarding self-promotion.

Empathy has to be taught. Practiced. Modeled. Celebrated.

This book shows you how.

The world needs more empathetic humans. You can raise some. And it turns out, those empathetic kids will also be happier, more successful, and more resilient.

Empathy isn’t just good ethics—it’s good strategy.

But mostly, it’s just good humanity. 💙🌍✨

Did UnSelfie help you raise more empathetic kids? Which habits were most impactful? What challenges did you face implementing the approach? Share your experience below!

Tiny Tots

(No title)